No title this time

So I was watching InTreatment week five/six, season one...and something struck me about myself.

I define my days around you. I don’t even really know you any more. I haven’t known you properly in years. Yet everyday, I wonder if today could be the day. I take every word you leave somewhere that I can read, and I instantly analyse it, decide whether it relates to me and how. And even if I know deep down it doesn’t relate to me, and you are just living as normal, coincident to my existence, I make it about me, EVERY time. It’s ridiculous.

The reason that InTreatment set me off thinking on this tangent is because Paul and Kate were at therapy with Gina. Kate had an affair, which she said literally meant nothing. Paul was, for lack of a better phrase, in love with one of his patients, Laura. Kate had the gall to take a moral high ground over Paul because she had not EMOTIONALLY betrayed him, which was far worse. Personally, I think that is a crock of shit. The last relationship I was in, there was some emotional overflow towards the end, that I can’t deny. And whilst I feel dreadful about that, when the opportunity was there, I didn’t do anything wrong. I realised I was emotionally confused, and so I ended it. That was the right thing to do. The emotional conflict I had flit back and forth for a few weeks, so I would sometimes doubt what had happened, but ultimately, I made the right decision.

This led me to thinking about my feelings for you. (This you is NOT on Tumblr, and is neither of the people involved in the aforementioned conflict). I was thinking if I were to go to therapy, which I don’t need, but it’s always been something I have been intrigued by. When you came up into this imaginary conversation I see the therapist suggesting I try to cut you away from everything about me completely. Erase you from my life. Because you are in love, and you are happy, I hope. Well I don’t, but I do, yes? If I were to cut you from my life, it wouldn’t have the definition that I started this ramble off with. I would rather have totally unrequited feelings towards you, with the delusion that one day that may change and you may return even a glimmer of feeling than have total indifference towards you and not know you at all. Like I said, I don’t know any specifics about you really. I know a couple, the sort of thing anyone could know. But I do know WHO you are, and what you are like. Just because I don’t know WHAT you like and why, that does not stop me from knowing you.

A New Friend

Prepare for a little self-pitying indulgence on my half here. It’s that time of night again where I have been trying to sleep for nigh on two hours and failed, and so I am up again.

I want an adventure. I want someone that I can be excited to see. Someone I can get on a train, or a coach or a plane to just visit. To say hello. To make a new friend. To make a friend that will stay with me for years to come. Someone who can get excited to come and visit me back. Someone that I can share stupid memories with. And someone I can share special memories with. I have done this twice so far this year with two different people. And neiother of those have worked out for the better. I have great memories from one, the other, not so much. Either way, there is a line drawn under each.

There’s only so satisified I can get sitting here doing the same things with the same folk week in week out. Be my new start?

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Rush Apart

I have been a busy boy this evening and posted something new on DeviantArt, updated something on DeviantArt, and created a Tumblr account. They can be seen here (DeviantArt) and here (Tumblr).

Other than that I have been mostly watching television and listening to music today. Tomorrow will be long. Up before 7 for uni at 9, followed by a 6pm finish, then it's the Maths Soc bar crawl starting at 7, the length of which will depend ENTIRELY upon the level of fun I have and the quantity of attractive freshers. Shallow much? Never mind. Been six months since I last had sex, can't blame a guy for getting a little fidgety.

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(can't stress how glad I am that The Rural Alberta Advantage are on Spotify now)

Cool For Cats

My blog/day ratio has been very low. I must amend this. Tomorrow (well today now) is my sisters 18th birthday. Now, this terrifies me just a little bit. First of all, if she's 18, then I'm not any more. I'm 21 next month, and what the hell am I doing with my life? I really don't know where I am aiming, and I don't have the constant in my life that I assumed I would by this point. I need some kind of guidance as to where I'm going. The worst part of it all is that I am being emotionally blackmailed to stay at home after I finish uni, and for an indefinable time thereafter. I want to spread my wings and go somewhere. Anywhere. I just want to be somewhere different where I can meet different people and do different things and give happiness another shot. I don't see that happening around here. Maybe @jogey and the rest of whoever ends up in this band could group money with me and we could get a house somewhere together meaning that we can have a practical living solution, I can get away from here, I can have a step on the 'grown-up' ladder, and it means we'll be able to do the music thing as well.

That is probably THE most hypothetical thing I have ever said out loud, well not out loud, but you know.

I want love to find me again, I'm terribly lonely.

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4ever

Forever is a long time. And I thought I was definitely 100% okay with forever, able to be happy without you. Whilst I do have my moments, and 99% of the time I'm actually pretty good, there is this moment every once in a while, usually the middle of the night where I really just want to speak to you again, about anything. I suppose that's the sort of thing I'll carry around forever? I don't know, and I have no idea if that's something that you hold too. I think you have someone else to be the one you want to speak to now. I don't blame you. I was a cock, for lack of a better phrase. Regardless, if there is a person in my slot now, it'd be nice to be told?

You make me write songs about you, without them being about you. You have made me write novellas about you, without them being about you.

Can somebody else be my muse please?

My neck is quite sore today, a little bit too raucous at Mosh I suppose... good night though. Despite the arguments.

Oh, and the cheek of you using the fucking Long Blondes for something like that.

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Again, Again and Again

My sleep has been crappy again the last few nights, but once I've slept I have slept for ages meaning I get up late and am tired through the day, I go to bed and then cannot sleep. Wonderful.

It has set my mind thinking in the middle of the night again which is always wonderful(!) I would quite like to find a girl now, just one I can be interested in at the very least. there is no girl I (fancy). I hate that word, hence the brackets. But you know what I mean, there is no one I can't get out of my head, no one I am trying to find an excuse to spend time with or anything. Very naff. that and I wish my confidence would improve, I'm just not very good at going out and about in town at night and dancing with random strangers. I mean, I have in the last couple of weeks, but I'm always nervy and so I never go for it properly. Silly boy.

Martyn's on his way over now so I should be going into town to get some food to chew in a wee while and then having a few beers. It sounds like a plan to me.

Listening to a lot of Blaqk Audio today, hence the Spotify link.

I've got nothing to hide, and less to lose.

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The Devil In Me

That devil appears to be out. My song writing is going great. Slowly training my voice to be able to sing the ones I'm writing. My happiness level seems pretty high, though that wavers occasionally...usually in balance with blood/alcohol ratio.

Oh, and FUCK you.

Forgot that little bit...

I have been to the cinema a lot recently and can say you must see Inglorious Basterds, District 9's alright.... you might as well pretend Final Destination 4 doesn't exist, despite the 3d... but (500) Days of Summer is one of the best films I have seen in a long long time. Really excellent film. Gave me the same sort of feeling that Candy does, but ends on a slightly more up note.

Tomorrow is party time again. Going out for Caroline's leaving the co-op do, meaning much drunkenness and silly behaviour, such as ending up in Life... But nevermind, it's all good fun.

Kate Voegele is definitely my music for the moment. When I have some of my demos recorded I will put up a link. I am planning to put up a song called Burn that I wrote entirely today... and likely a cover of Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst, though that may change if I can find a different song to cover.

I am going to go and watch True Blood now, and then head to bed in a bit. I cannot believe it has been so long since I have written here. And for the record Jack's Mannequin were great. I'd love to see them again. Oh and yeah, I have mentioned it once, but again in case you missed it FUCK YOU.

Night all x

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American Love

Tonight, I am going to see Jack's Mannequin in concert. I am so excited for this you wouldn't believe. This means I will have seen Conor Oberst, Trent Reznor AND Andrew McMahon perform live. And to be honest, there's not a lot more I could ask from a musical point of view.

I will post a review up here afterwards I assume, probably tonightas I am likely to get home BUZZING.

OH and PS I bought Brand New tickets for their gig at Wembley too.

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The Devil In Me

I had a very bad dream last night.

Firstly, my most recent ex was speaking to me again, and we were getting on alright, and arranged to meet up as friends and so on. Then that part of the story finished. Then me and my mother were trying to walk down a stony road by a forest in the afternoon, then it was night time. We had to cut through the forest. We had to run because it was all misty and there were strange things hitting our legs. Mum got miles ahead because I started to fight the things off. There were some very small black hound dogs that seemed possessed, and also a young girl, similar to those in Japanese horror films who was trying to get me, but she had a knife sticking out of the top of her throat, and her head was tilted right back. I punched her repeatedly in the throat until her neck snapped and I managed to catch up with Mum. We then got in her car, and my sister was in there too and we got out.

Then the final part (after a brief spell of being awake) was that wee were in the car still by a canal with concrete banks, just around the corner from a HUGE plastic jewellery warehouse owned by my sister's friend. For reasons unbeknownst to me now, and probably in the dream, we had to reverse, but Mum reversed too much and we ended up in the canal underwater. The car was perfectly airtight so no water got in, but we couldn't open the doors or smash the windows due to the pressure. The air very quickly ran out and I had to take one final sharp intake of breath, and as I did I woke up, taking a very deep, sharp intake of breath.

It wasn't a nice experience. I blame it on the curry I had. Scary curry dream.

It's been about 5 hours short of 9 days since the last text from her.

Jack's Mannequin this Friday. That should be good fun.

I fear my dancing on Saturday night was more than a little embarrassing.

Never mind.

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Drugs or Me

I just don't have anything to say. It's really hard to keep this blog active at the minute. Trust me, I want this site to continue going, but as things stand it's difficult. I suppose I'm just a lot better off without the major complication in my life.

Secondly I am in the band proper now, good times, so that's keeping my creativity busy.

Third, I had an early morning conversation earlier this week which really lifted my spirits. I know I was a last resort and it only happened because I was awake too, but that's enough for me at the time being. I'll take whatever the hell I can get. Sorry still doesn't cut it I know, but I want to prove to you that I'm not that person.

All I can think of for now, sorry for being pretty dull. I have just fixed up my MySpace page though if anyone is interested. http://www.myspace.com/sambobgeldof

Samuel

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Life Is What You Make It

And my resolution from now on is to make it fucking rad. Pub tomorrow night, first official band meet on Tuesday, oh yeah, I'm now in a band... And then haircut on Wednesday and hopefully cinema as well. Should be a good week, and I will meet up with Joe hopefully well into 2 times or so a week and we'll kick this fucking music thing in the arse.

Lots of swearing, sorry. It's what happens when my energy levels go up. And when I listen to Weezer, they are fucking ace.

My last blog was the longest ever, and was a cut down version of a journal entry.

I had to spend £334.95 on a fucking bus pass. Lucky me. It can be used from Sept 1st until July 31st anywhere in the Midlands though, so it's all good.

If you didn't know I am back from Cornwall. I am off to bed to watch some of the millions of things I have to watch.

Strange knowing tomorrow is a Sunday and no work... Strange being unemployed. Ah well, I quite like the freedom, but the lack of structure will get to me eventually.

N'night
Samuel

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At The Bottom

The following was written August 17th. All words speak the truth of my mind.

I know it's a stupid, maybe strange, way to think but I live my life just waiting for the reactions of others. I always want that glimmer or approval or acceptance. It's particularly difficult to see where it's next coming from when in the past six months I have lost three sources through pure piggishness. The first I left, the second I came to, emotional tension did fill the air, the little touches were electric. But I kept careful and nothing happened as I hadn't left the first yet. I did, then the second became very coy and not interested, She is "pre-occupied" with some guy I don't know called JW now anyway. The third started building not long thereafter. A contrast to the second where I was emotional committing before any reciprocation indicated. It took time to come to fruition, a couple of months really, but it did. Again, a distance away, travelled only the once.

I have no ill feeling toward the first. The second I simply don't understand. The third, being still fresh, can stir up a million emotions all at once. At first I am frustrated, at her, and myself for repeating the second scenario again, and so soon also. I feel foolish for believing I was something to her. I feel confused because I lust for her despite her not being my physical type, and in hindsight, her kindness is not as extensive as first it seemed. I am angry because I poured so much into her, told her how hard I had found things, was still finding things, then she fucked me over. Did I have a target on my head? Did she do it intentionally or was it just bad luck on my part? Did I bring it onto myself? I feel sorry for her because I know she's as shitty at life as me recently. But I despise her too. But I don't. I care too much. I miss her, and never want to see her again. I don't understand my own mind.

The day we first communicated again was also the day I first went to meet my previous girlfriend. Luckily five years space did the job and we can definitely get on as friends.

[section removed]

Back to the point, it's the desire to be truly appreciated, unfortunately I need more than a platonic appreciation. That causes my days to be long. I don't want huge great love affairs, and rampant emotions. I just want the excitement at the prospect of hearing from someone who wants to hear from me. I know who I want that to be.

I think back to my 18th birthday, hasted at a friend's house. I was supposedly in love. I was, just not with the right person. I was on the stairs texting her, loving her, telling her I didn't, telling her I couldn't. Not loving the girl a few feet away I was supposed to. I curse myself for how I treated end-of-the-phone girl. I'd loved her for at least 2 years. My holiday in Wales I spent entirely thinking of her. And she knew. That I loved her at least. I assume she did. Distance, again, fucked me over. If she had been near it would have been fine. Instead I broke my heart, and likely hers. The girl I'm with at the time is the first from earlier.

Truth told, I don't think I truly got past that properly. Of course it was pushed to the back of my mind and thought about as little as possible. But never dealt with. I did love the first, as she fixed me up into some functioning excuse of a human after my disintegration due to end-of-the-hone girl. I always still had a part of me reserved for her though. I want to name her, but as she is taken now it would not be fair.

He's fucking attractive too.

It was her 18th this weekend gone. She is beautiful and happy no longer knowing me. I hate hope, and shouldn't trust it for the pain it has shown me, but I sent her my number, and birthday greetings and she called, twice. The first she hung up before we spoke, the second we had our first vocal conversation, and my spark reignited. I have given her the choice of contact to follow, but I will hear from her again somehow.

I need to. There's no one else to fill this void.

If we call her the fifth then the list goes like this (ex girlfriend - now friend is fourth).

1) Relationship over, wouldn't work.
2) Now taken, still resent a little for ending the first, don't understand her.
3) Still hurts, despise, care too much, has affected me more than the others.
4) A necessary friendship, we are each others crutch right now.
5) Long distance love of old, ILY, phantom tea cake munchers, ironing boards at Morrison's, HOPE.

That last word is dangerous.

City Song

I am heading to Cornwall for a week from tomorrow, so unless I can get online there my blogs will happen when I get back. I may write some whilst away and then publish when I get back, I haven't decided yet.

My BBQ was good, had far too much to drink, and definitely felt it the next day! I'm also going to be a big boy and finally say what I think, no matter the comeuppance, can't be worse than the other day, hey? And you were true to your word again then too.

I found a couple of new good artists/bands in the last couple of weeks.

Check out Adam Gnade and The Wilderness of Manitoba. Both are easy to find through Google.

Have fun doing whatever non-existent blog readers do!

Samuel

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Forwardirektion:

Finally been to see Harry Potter. And it was alright... Not as good as the fifth film, but better than any of the others. Still not convinced that Daniel Radcliffe is aware he's meant to act though. Also went and got some food. Too much food. I need to stick in a pin in myself to sort it out.

The other big news, is I have finished working for The Midlands Co-operative Society Retail Division. I.e., I no longer heat up bread for them at the weekends. And it ended with one of the best shifts ever, shame Mr Supervisor was in a bit of a grumpy mood.

I am not entirely sure what to do about this coming week. Tuesday, and likely Wednesday will be fine... but tomorrow is her birthday, which isn't great, and then Friday is the first anniversary of my father's death, which will be hard enough, but no one I can talk to about it. I need a girl to talk to things like that about, it's not the same having in depth conversations with boys. I shall be fairly busy tomorrow at least, I just haven't decided what to do about it? Do I message her in some way or not. I don't know. I know she would contact me, but only as she was when we were together. In these five months she's changed a hell of a lot, and not for the better, so she wouldn't contact me now. I don't know. I'll see where it goes.

It's also One Tree Hill day tomorrow. Hoorah.

Apologies for the lack of blogs recently. I'm not sure what's been going on, I've just not had much to say.

Samuel

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Intensity In Ten Cities

Bored, but still not enough to even SPEAK to me, let alone come visit. How dull must that make me?

No Regrets

Apologies for the length of time since the last thrilling instalment of my life, but I have been fairly busy since Sunday night. Pub, zombies, general slaughter, camping and pillaging has taken up nearly all of my time. And as all of that has happened, there hasn't been THAT much time for me to think about anything and so I haven't a lot of thoughts to spill out onto this page. I am incredibly envious of the friendship that two of my friends have with each other, they are incredibly lucky, and I know they appreciate that. Wish I had a friend I could rely on anything for. Instead I tend to deal mostly by myself, or through this, which is again, to myself really.

As I tried to explain to a friend last night (around a campfire, we are the coolest of kids), I am fairly optimistic for the future, in the sense that I think eventually I will work my life out, what I want to do, who I want to be and those sorts of things. Despite that, I am consumed with worry over the fact that maybe, just very maybe, I have spoilt my shot at that, even now that I get thoughts worrying that maybe I didn't try hard enough, and I just gave up on what should have been something. Seems he does the same really, he wants to think the best is yet to come, but worries it's gone.

One of the worst aspects of single life, is not having an interest at all in a girl at any point in time. I mean, right now for example, I am not 'after' anybody. The only person I have met in the past 5 or so months, in fact it's 5 months tomorrow, that I had any attraction to poo-pooed that idea, and since her I haven't met anybody at all that I have an interest in. And whilst I am actually quite content being single at the moment, I still dislike being 100% disconnected from that world.

After only having a few hours sleep the last couple of nights I am very tired, and I am hoping that being back in a real bed will spur real sleep. A full, proper nights sleep would be wonderful.
I think I might pop into town tomorrow afternoon as well, just for a mooch. Take a book, a little bit of money and have a wander. I could probably do with getting a tent, as hopefully we will do the camping thing again.

Right now, I think it is time for One Tree Hill watching, and setting the COD4:MW map pack to re-download since I've been on there again recently. I hope there will be a combi-pack to download all the COD:WAW packs as well, instead of having to spend 3 x £8 to buy them individually.

I am sure it won't be long until I'm back with a big, long, rambling, self-absorbed and very annoying blog. See you on the other side.

Samuel

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Reason to Believe

I seem to be foolhardy in nature. I was looking back today at every moment I have had since my split with my first girlfriend. So that's 5 years ago this October. All romantic negotiations I have had since then, I have always let my heart overtake my head, and admittedly, it paid off once. I found someone else similarly compelled, and that allowed me to fall in love for the first, and so far, only time. However, there have been numerous instances where a twinkle of 'romance' (not the word I want to use but can't think of anything better, mutual attraction just sounded shit) and I have fallen for it, hook, line and sinker, just to have it pulled away as sharply as it arrived.

One led to the end of my last relationship, and I love and hate you in equal measure for that. Here I shall call you 'R' and only you and my ex-girlfriend know who you are, but neither of you will ever read this. You must have known I had always had a soft spot for you, and that day was magical, and you know, I really do think that something good could have happened with us. It wasn't that possibility that caused me to leave the woman I loved, it was that I had WANTED a possibility like that. It would have been unfair to live on in a relationship that had got to the point of not being enough for me. I will always remember Gran Torino at the Odeon, after a day in Cromer, March 4th 2009, and your room-mates, (well all but the one with the curly hair, he didn't like me), with the utmost fondness. I really did have a spark in me then that I hadn't felt in a while.

As goes more recent ventures, I can't explain how sorry I am. I obviously overstepped a mark, I didn't know my place, and I really do mean it when I say there are no hard feelings! I'm a big boy and get on okay. But you are still avoiding me, and I don't like that. In fact, that last line applies equally to 'R'. I wish you hadn't flown away from my radar, we were friends for years, how can that go away so fast?

I have no way of really resolving this, so I shall just leave you with some Dashboard confessional quotes that have stuck out as I listened to them today.

(And Em, 'Stolen' will ALWAYS remind me of falling in love with you, as 'Starcrossed' (Ash) will always remind me of you 'M')

In all honesty, I may have only had 2 serious relationships, but I genuinely think they will stay with me forever. Hopefully Em, in time you can forgive me for, in your words, 'breaking your heart'. I really wish you felt you could even be an acquaintance to me. But I know these things take time, and 'M', I am glad that you are back in my life again, you were a dear friend all those years ago, and our relationship was temperamental to say the least... but by far my fondest memories from being under 17.

I just hate that Peyton Sawyer (yes that fictional character again) wasn't right when she said "People Always Leave", but God knows she was.

"I have reason to believe that I have victories to taste. I can feel them on my teeth, on my lips, and in my chest. I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat. I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fuelled by my resolve to breathe."

Are you strong enough to handle what I need?
And will you carry me there one more time?

No?

At least I have a positive outlook, non?

"Because you will be somebody's girl, and you will keep each other warm. But tonight, I'm feeling cold."

And as I resolve to maybe start thinking before feeling 'next time', I know it's bollocks, I set myself up for this everytime. That won't change. I just need someone who does the same.

spotify:track:2eS5qHLmmXugA1GMq41O42 (Reason to Believe)
spotify:track:6vw1gO0bQyVciHW6YRgRvz (Stolen)
spotify:track:2IY1CxvcUhXiZB34tW1EIC (Starcrossed)
spotify:track:6MvK0nSUy0NH8QfaXQjDA0 (Rooftops and Invitations)

Let Go Of Everything You Know

I have uploaded another poem. I don't know if it's any good. It's one I wrote in Malta, again. I think I definitely need to travel at some point after university, just because it's so much better for my creativity.

I need to slow don on the blogging front as well, otherwise I will run out of song titles to use and link to. It sucks that a lot of the ones that sum up perfectly what I want to say, aren't on Spotify, so I don't use them.

Work tomorrow, going to try and convince little sister she wants to give me lifts to the pub quiz as well. Could be easier said than done. And hopefully a nice drunken camping night on Tuesday, that would be super. And Meg could get in touch? That way I could have quite an eventful week. Last week was pretty good, but I did everything in the first two days. Need to learn to spread things out.

I bid you adieu for now those of blogland.

Samuel

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Palahniuk's Laughter

His little excerpt about the carrot is a little worrying.

But his underlying message about having something discovered, and never mentioned, but always having the fear/worry of it's mention lingering over you was very adept.

Saturday's are really shitty, never have anything to do. That said, it's gotta be better than last night! Lol. But no True Blood tonight. Nevermind.

I'm sure I'll find something to do.

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Notes in His Pocket

This one reads "DO NOT DRINK AND BLOG"

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I Want To Save You

More blog, you lucky beggars.

I think I am going to go to bed now. I don't know if sleep will happen. I will watch the Daily Show and then either put on a film, or Gossip Girl. Undecided as of yet.

And to you, I can accept absolutely everything that happened, except why say "I think I already do [love you]" and words to those effetcs if you didn't mean it? That's the only thing that's bugging me.

Could you please answer that? Please. I will ask again, more directly in a day or two if I don't hear. I jsut need to understand to sort myself out.

Thanks.

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Attention

Yes, I am a touch childish, so fucking what. I just don't know me anymore.

"Attention, attention,
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room
If only, if only for one second

This table has taken a turn for the worse
Rock bottom, and over the edge
Well, it's not like it hurts that much anyway
Upside down and inside out
When I leave here I'm going alone
Well it's not like it, not like it hurts much anyway

Attention, attention,
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room
If only, if only for one second
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell
Due to the fact that we could have something that'll never happen
Did you hear what I have to... (say)

This balance has weighed out our heart’s desire
I’m trying to make it alone
Well it’s not like it hurts that much anyway
Upside down and inside out
When I leave here I’m going alone
But I’m dying, I’m dying, to touch
And it’s not like it, not like it hurts much anyway

Attention, attention,
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room
If only, if only for one second
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
Due to the fact that we could have something that’ll never happen
Did you hear what I have to... (say)

Attention, attention,
Upside down and inside out
Attention, attention,
Upside down and inside out"

I don't think I will bother with bed tonight. I have to get up in less than 6 hours anyway, so what would the point be? I suppose I would escape for a while. Tough shit.

Samuel

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It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's a Fucking Deathwish

Words are at a loss to me, and to be entirely honest, so are my thoughts. As days go by I find myself descending deeper into this self-induced stupor. I know my downward spiral has started again.

But I'm not upset, down, depressed, whatever you want to call it. I'm not exactly jumping for joy, but I wouldn't say I was sad.

I have my hollowness back again, and I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to welcome it back, because I was glad to be rid of it... but it is mighty comfortable knowing that whatever you do, or whatever you say isn't going to impact anybody. I guess it's a kind of freedom. At the same time it's a segregation from everything. I hate being a burden to people though, and as a result I do retreat like this. I won't ever extend branches unless I really, genuinely care too much for fear of backing people into a corner and causing them to resent me. I am sure I have achieved this.

I am just talking words, that have very little cohesion I know, but I cannot compel myself to stop. I have nothing to say. Just to anybody at all who might read this, for all negative impact on your respective life(lives) I am truly sorry. I don't know what I will do with myself in this mire for now, I need to get back to university, I just need FUCKING ANYTHING to give me meaning again.

I'm just floating about.

This, I am sure, reads fairly similarly to some of my earlier posts... which either proves that I am easily breakable... or I was never fixed. Which one it is, I leave to you to choose.

I sense a lot of blogs coming up with a similar nothing content. I feel safe writing here. Stupid I know. I just do.

spotify:track:2lQjEzV5W4eLxxsJxMgqqw

Good Morning

Well it's technically afternoon now.

Broken sleep is back.. three cheers...? NOT.

Humiliation is something we all loathe, yet I seem to do so well.

Jack's Mannequin tickets arrived today. This is good.

Cold pizza here I come.

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Admission: Regret

Regret may be a bitstrong. At least it's said.

FUCK
just.
FUCK

Dammit.

Should I have kept quiet?

spotify:track:6RDeZqB9cUGnddrgxa0zNX

The Whipping Haus

This is going to be a bit of a rant plus an insight into my views on religion. So if you're squeamish please look away now.

(PS the song I have linked to is from an album that is SO sexually charged it's untrue)

First things first, I am not a religious person. That is not to say that I am an atheist, I am not going to deny the existence of a God or a 'higher power' as to an extent I think there probably is. There are forces like luck, positive and negative, which I believe are a controlled force. But not by those involved.

I think that one of these powers is taunting me. Looking back at the end of yesterday, I was feeling pretty comfortable, and getting used to the idea, as much as I didn't like it. I hadn't read any literature, or watched anything that focused heavily on vampires since being a teenager and reading the Darren Shan saga. But yesterday I watched the pilot of True Blood, and it really did well in showing the sexualisation of vampires, and the idea of the culture. And I was seduced by the idea, entirely. The idea of a vampire is incredibly sexy, I cannot deny that.

Let us couple this with learning that the thing I want most is unobtainable, for reasons that to be honest, I don't know. Over the last couple of weeks getting used to the idea that I am not going to have this has been quite hard, but I was just about on top of it. And then I see this coupled with the idea of the vampire culture, and I am back to square one, maybe even further back. That sort of desire has just eaten me up all day thus far.

This has reaffirmed my belief that there must be some higher being, and that at some point I have greatly PISSED him/her/it off. Because that was just too coincidental for my liking. It was as though I am meant to suffer.

The rope was dangled, close enough to just get a taste, and then it was pulled out of reach, and then it came back with even more appeal and was dangled in front of me but just too far for me to do anything about it.

Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to clarify my own thoughts more than anything else.

spotify:track:7arnZAe1ReZgDtjLz7WY82

Something I Can Never Have

So this is morning...
It's when I spend the most time...

Thinkin' 'bout what I've given up.

Actually it's not, but it is when I spend the most time thinkin' 'bout what I haven't got.

If that makes sense. Iam stuffed with food, and a little bit of alcohol...
And SMOOOOOOOOOTHIE.

I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow I imagine. Nine Inch Nails revolution still continues.

I watched the first episode of True Blood earlier, and it just reminded me how sexy vampires can be. Even though the one focused on was a guy... he still wasn't exactly unappealing. Then I go and see a picture of you as a vampire and my brain went into over load.

Oh dear at me.

I don't know what to write. I don't know if I want to moan about all the shit, which I could do for ages, write about the good times today and yesterday have been, which I could do for ages, or write about what the hell goes through my mind, which I could do for ages.

Either way it'll take ages, so I'll probably just skip over it all unless otherwise requested. And as there won't be a request, I guess it stays inside!

Samuel

spotify:track:3g8N4tDcSdCiSrs3LWaWrE

Here Comes The Anxiety

I hope I was able to help today. I know a hug isn't much but it was the most I could offer really. Next time we have a day out we'll do something that WON'T result in us getting all morbid at each other!!!

And to you, what Facebook said about your eyes, some of that as true. Mystery isn't necessarily the right word but looking into your eyes it wasn't easy to read you. I think I read you wrong. But never mind, I got to look into those eyes, and those eyes were beautiful. Once is better than never xx

Should be going bowling tomorrow, which ought to be fun.

I need university, I need something. I need the distraction.

I really am pitiful. Haha. Nevermind!

Samuel

spotify:track:4B8lHowyNr1hQzZKmLFdkk

Birds (Revisited)

I cannot get over how much I love this song at the moment, despite the very dodgy lyrics.

"She was waiting at the station
He was getting off the train
He didn't have a ticket
So he had to bum through the barriers again

Well the ticket inspector saw him rushing through
He said "girl you don't know how much I missed you but
We'd better run 'cause I haven't got the funds to pay this fine."
She said "fine"

Well so they ran out of the station and jumped onto a bus
With two of yesterdays travel cards and two bottles of bud
And he said "you look well nice"

Well she was wearing a skirt
And he thought she looked nice
And yes, she didn't really care about anything else
'Cause she only wanted him to think that she looked nice
And he did

But he was looking at her, yeah all funny in the eye
She said "come on boy tell me what you're thinking
Now don't be shy."
He said alright, "I'll try

All the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you."

She said "what?"
He said "let me try and explain again

"Right, birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you

Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head,
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel well scared
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Yeah that's how I feel about you."

She said "what?"
He said "you"
She said "what are you talking about?"
He said "you"

Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you

Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel well scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Right, that's how I feel about you

She said "thanks, I like you too"
He said "cool" "
spotify:track:1eHIG6oHdTdB7mBOxn02qN

The Impatient Will Suffer

That they will. I only have 2 more weeks at work now. I'm really going to miss it. Well, the people, not the job particularly. Must do very best to remain close contact with them. Lunch tomorrow should be good, and hopefully bowling at some point during the week as well.

I'm tired all the time again now. Even though I am sleeping a lot. I am the opposite of how I was a couple of months ago when I couldn't sleep at all, now I sleep a lot, and I am just as tired. I need something to keep my day times occupied when I am at home. My output seems to return nothing but static, or just dead silence. I need a One Tree Hill replacement. It was so consuming and took everything away and all sorts for a good couple of months.

There's about 2 months until I am back at uni now. May the worries commence!

spotify:track:0xSPmxAGH0QZXC5GTBmbCs

Holiday From Real

I figured Malta was my 'Holiday from Real', the break from everyday. But in reality I had already had that, and so slipping back into everyday life, even in Malta (not quite so everyday I know) has been really quite dull. And I get the feeling that I am not going to get that break again as there has been no indication of it returning.

I wish my sister would get up, I have to show her how to navigate some of Aylestone's back streets but she is point blank refusing to get out of bed.

spotify:track:237n2DzHh25kazw5Ve4Poq

Young and Inspiring

Been reading the non-autobiographical-yet-autobiographical journal entries from Malta. Thought I would put this one up here. I was going to DeviantArt it, but as it isn't really 'creative' as such, I thought best not.

"The french girl is beautiful. But she's probably dull as sin, and seems to be too young. Maybe 17?

No-one has yet come to surpass my desire for the one I adore. No signal. The arrival home to no messages I know will disappoint despite preparation.

I need a drink.
I have no vodka.
The bars are closed here.

Must retreat to Literature.
Fear The Ludovician.
Please Love Me"

That was the penultimate evening, on my balcony. This came a few hours before on a wall facing the sea.

"I tried to raise the fact that she had been far more temperamental this trip and I have actually acted as the calming force. She then just stomps off with her cloud of egoism and aura of self-righteousness in tow. She can't even acknowledge what I say.

In the time since then we have endured a painfully slow dinner.

I spoke rarely as my concentration went into shaking my leg to stem the tirade I felt was rising. When I spoke it was just from the menu, yes, no, or about how Michael Jackson's brain has been removed before burial or postulating on how birds would cope if they had no legs.

That's done now and I am on the wall looking out at the dark. I am now an unsettled mix of calm and anger. A split of emotions I am not fully able to comprehend. The novel is still on pause. I am having tense issues.

The french girl is beautiful.

If you don't want to, just say I am hanging in limbo"

It's funny how I was so cohesive when my emotions were more on edge. When I calmed for the balcony, I spoke almost in riddle. I obviously need to write more when I am angry.

This has been a long blog. I am going to work both of these extracts into a short novella in the style of The Informers.

Sans vampires.

spotify:track:5AcWLXw3J6XVC9Ba6SNB0u

Birds

I wrote some interesting things whilst I was away. I wrote the first chapter for a novel that I know where to go with. I am reasonably happy with that as a draft stage. I also wrote a lot of things which were projected from me, but weren't written 'by' me. Does that make sense? If you have read Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis maybe it would. The things I wrote were autobiographical, but written as though my mind processed events and thoughts differently. I doubt they will make their way onto here. I am going to keep using the notebook though, and continue writing things like that. I found that it's really helpful to get me working. And I am now more solid of mind than I have been. I also got two sets of lyrics, either for songs or just prose, done. They might pop up on DeviantArt eventually, but they need preening, and I need to decide if they are fit for public viewing.

I had a good holiday though. Was nice to get away from life for a bit. Malta is a lovely country, and Gozo is nice too. Shame I didn't have time to wander around Comino as well, I'll get there one day! My UnderOath shoes arrived whilst I was gone, and they are really nice. Comfortable.

Bad news from the holiday. I LOST MY FRIGGIN HAT. Left it on the coach from Marsaxlokk market :-(

R.I.P. Hat

Most listened to music over the week was The Rural Alberta Advantage (again... lol) and 3oh!3. In particular the song Colorado Sunrise. Love it. Song for the title is a little out of left field for me... but I heard it and just something about it got me, lyrics could be better, but the song is just really quite sweet/heartbreaking/warming all at once. I guess that's all anyone wants from music.

Samuel

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Seems So

Reading back over the last month or so I have had this blog, its funny to see just how quickly I achieved closure once I decided to look for it. I don't know whether the advice goes for everyone, but to get over something, you've just got to look forward. Accept what was, and move on. I have no animosity or ill-feeling towards the past any more, and only hope for the future.

And without realising it, for the most part, I am happier now than at any point over the last 4 or 5 months. So that's good.

I now own a hat.

Samuel

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Arrest Yourself

In a (potential) moment of clarity, most of what keeps people from being happy is themselves. So I am going to stop be such a narcissist and feeling sorry for myself. It really gets me nowhere. In fact, it sends me backwards.

I really need to get dressed. Typical Monday morning laziness. Even when Monday DOESN'T mean week of uni followed by weekend of work, I still don't like getting up on Monday mornings. I need to get the suitcases out, buy some clothes and, to slightly alter a quote by one of my favourite bands at the minute...

"Run away, Just get on the fucking [plane] and leave [tomorrow]".

If you learn nothing else from me today, learn that the quote above (found at spotify:track:6M5s2OI4wxeepeaEnCX9EP), and the rest of the song, to be honest, the rest of the album, is some of the BEST music you will hear in a while. It's taken me a couple of months of dipping in and out. But last week, the bands music just, clicked with my ears.

Least favourite part of Malta I know already will be hearing so little from you. But I am going to read, I am going to try and write, and most of all I am going to throw myself headfirst into the week. I know it'll be good. And I know you'll think it silly to miss you. But I will.

Right, cup of tea calling.

Samuel

spotify:track:6zjqtikYvgQ2CFdjpVFXW1

Mic Check

Actually discovered yesterday in what circumstances SingStar can be fun. That is when with a small group of friends, a large group of empty alcohol bottles, and an infinite amount of silliness. There were no words for how rock 'n' roll the four of us made Tina Turner, Nirvana, Even Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. A very very good night. Spent over an hour playing catch as well. Work with little/no sleep and little/no voice is good fun too.

Feeling pretty good today I think. Always a bonus. Went on a food hunt about 20 mintues ago to find it was already taken care of and due any minute. Perfect opportunity to blog.

Bonus reason to feel good today, JLS released Beat Again on iTunes. That is a seriously good song.

Only a few days until Malta now. I look forward to it. And I look forward to a forthcoming visit. And I look forward to my last weekend at work. And I look forward to a week in cornwall. And I look forward in general...with hope. Hope sparks to the words "Danger! Danger! High Voltage!" in my head. But I don't care. I can hope and be happy. I'd rather do that and then deal with lows, than not hope and STILL have to deal with the lows. Can't help hoping anyway.

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(PS my new Taking Back Sunday t-shirt smells amazing, I really don't want to wash it because the smell will go...but I will, fear not)

Hit The Switch

I know I need to hit the switch and slow down, or else I'll just end up crashing, and that'll hurt.

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Can't Stop Feeling

I should go to bed. Today doesn't feel finished yet though. I don't know if it will.

Oh what to do?

Plus my mum is great :-)

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Look To Me

Well, that was a lovely two days. [century the of understatement (Rearrange into well known phrase or saying)]. Don't really have too much to put here. I have articulated what I have wanted to say to this individual as well as I can.

A whole heap of my worries have been vanquished. And just one has appeared in it's place. And I am sure you know what it is. And I wonder if you are the same. And I wonder for the future. And I wonder.

And I dream...

The song is for you.

Samuel

spotify:track:3YfvwiLBaqjtAX5E2FQVkE

Days Before You Came

Days before you came, I was okay. I was happy. Now that you are gone, I will be the same. I will do the happy bit, and I will be okay. Thought I needed you, but I guess the fact I have spoken to you maybe 4 times in the last 4 months proves otherwise.

Tell your boyfriend if he says he got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.

My new half years resolution is to give up fear, worry etc etc for the future. Live for now. That will be nice. Grimsby later today, can't wait for that. Then Malta next week. That could be really good.

Samuel

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(lyrics in bold are from spotify:track:5jzX4dWVQeBTtfBaXnMRt5 )

I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby

And from the shadows of the past emerge two figures, one here, and one 3 hours away. Funny that at 10 o'clock this evening things were fairly simple, and back on track. A setback here, and hopefully what could be a setback elsewhere isn't one that hurts.

That person I have previously referred to as cruel, I have decided to revise my assessment. It's now fucking cruel. Just wish you could have been honest from the start. This is the first time in 4 months where I now think I was right to walk away. Regardless, I hope you find what you are looking for.

And to you, the other with a past emerging, I hope you are okay.

spotify:track:3ibGmT0ZC3ywCKfQ6xVBnf

Story About A Man With A Bad Heart

What happens if you have a bad heart? Not physically, obviously. In that case, you usually keel over. I try to have a good heart. I don't know how well I achieve it, but I try to be kind, and I try to be honest. That has come to kick my in the face a few times. No surprises there though.

It just got me thinking; bad hearts tend to find others and always have a group. Those with truly good hearts seem fewer than those with bad. Those with the good hearts tend to be alone. I don't understand that system. Can good hearts go bad? I think that's happened to one. Probably my fault.

I am in a strange mood, not up or down, or indifferent. Feel separate to myself somehow, trying too hard to analyse myself and ended up disconnected.

You also seem to push me away, do you mean it?

Samuel

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Nothing

Poles apart.

As close to top of the world as I have been in a while this morning. Walked to the city in the pouring rain. It was wonderful. The conversation I had en route was great too. I sent another message on that walk, and I heard nothing.

Right now, I feel kinda shitty. Still no response to that message, so I asked for a response, I asked for her to show some courage and tell me. But she won't. I think I deserve a reply, but clearly not. That's not why I feel crap though.

I don't know why I do. I shouldn't. There's just something there that is still getting to me. Can't put my finger on it. Plus my courage has all but deserted me. Words, so much to say, but no way to communicate.

Samuel

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Starfuckers, Inc. / Saints and Sailors

I sure seem to be a star at f*cking things up

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But some people seem have hearts of gold, and I cherish them.

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Souled Out!!!

Such an emotional sell out. I really am.

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What's New For Fall?

"Or whatever you think, I mean, whatever's gonna make you want me"

Feeling lonely this evening. Euphoria can't last that long I suppose. Maybe euphoria is a little strong, who knows. It's just been a good week or two compared to the rest of the last few months.

I think people should come with blurbs, maybe that way I'd have a clue as to how to approach them. Some people are very difficult to read, and some seem too easy. They are both as bad as each other. Hard, you worry and are confused. Too easy, anbd you worry you've got it wrong, and end up fucking things up.

Samuel

(today's link is not for the title track, but for a different song by the same band as the title track isn't on Spotify, the general sound is similar)

spotify:track:5Ue0DgvFjDHGWmQlydQ0C4

I Can't Do It Alone

3oh!3 have possible the most pissing pretentious band name ever, but the music's pretty good. I am not sure how to feel today, on one hand really pleased, happy and proud, but on the other it just heightens being ashamed and regretful. For once I'm not talking general 'heart' emotions. Aren't you proud?!

But as the title says. I can't do it alone. Luckily I know I won't have to, hopefully anyway. Dentist today, oh yay oh yay.

Will be back, maybe later today, with further insight if I can think of any.

Samuel

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Am I Missing?

Ah yes, I'd forgotten about this. I wanted to post this earlier.

(It's a long wait) Is there anything
(For an answer) Worth looking for
(Is there any news) Worth loving for
(Is there any word) Worth lying for
(Is there trauma) Is there anything
(Or a struggle) Worth waiting for
(Am I missing) Worth living for
(Was the body found) Worth dying for

The answer to the emboldened right hand sides are a definite yes. As far as the bits in parentheses go... Am I Missing? Or was my body found? Time is yet to tell...

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A Little's Enough

Just a short little post again today I think. I have spent a little while on here adding links to Spotify for all the title songs I have used on here (that are on Spotify, obviously) so that you can actually see what the songs are like. (I recommend Steady Rollin' the most...). Not really been up to much today...surprise surprise. A bit of reading, a bit of housework, listening to music, watching some One Tree Hill. The most exciting part though is I have managed to do some writing today. And I am gonna do it Lucas Scott (yes the fictional character from One Tree Hill) style, in that I am going to follow my life for the last few years, with an awful lot of dramatisation. See how that turns out eh? Could be fun. Who knows? Nice to go to bed in the (recently) conventional manner this evening.

Samuel

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Wishing Well

The king of carrot flowers seems to have been usurped by another.

Just short things to say today. Quite tired, might try for sleep. Lovely weather, nice evening. Still not right though.

Samuel

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Steady Rollin'

"Well I come from the old time baby
It's too late for you to save me.
If I remain then I'm to blame."

I have learnt it is never too late to be saved, no matter how you feel. Still being here, cannot be blamed on oneself. There is another to always hold you up. And is that blameworthy of them? No, admirable I'd say.

"But if you should ever need me
I'll go where'er you lead me.
It's all the same, the same old game."

We all end up having someone we can dedicate actions to. At any point in life that's almost a guarantee, there is someone who you will follow. I suppose that is what they mean when they say "the same old game". It may be the same game, but we play by different rules now.

Samuel

spotify:track:4aboDXmSQMVIfa8wJ8sz1y

That Green Gentleman

Why can I not just change? Just a stupid stupid boy with a stupid stupid head.

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End Of The Background Noise

I don't just want to be the background noise. I fear that is me.

Ender Will Save Us All

Maybe he has?

Stolen

I had a very certain state of mind when I heard the bridge of Stolen last night, about 3 in the morning. I am going to try and say what I thought. IT could be difficult though as my memory is a little hazy.

This song, to me, was the anthem to falling in love. It was one of a few songs I listened to in August 2006 when I knew very well I was falling in love. As such, it has wonderful memories for me. It makes me feel good based on that. It also crippled me knowing that that is over. But it also gave me hope that I could feel like that again, and maybe one advantage in not having the relationship that the love then built is I can experience it all again. A case of cloud/silver lining I think.

Samuel

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Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

If you come down to it, there are two types of people. They are the above. I tried to fit into the first category, but you seem determined to stay in the latter. If that's the way things work then being in the first category will never lead to a pleasant resolution. But hey, it's funny how things can be.

The other title Iwas playing with for tonight was 'Seems Like Home To Me'. Two Gallants that is. Not sure if my general mood was calm enough for country rock. so I settled with Christian metal of UnderOath. the other title came to mind because I am wondering if it could seem like home to me. Where, that's not too important, a place that exists, that i think I can get the keys to. Will it feel like home? Good question.

Monday sees a barrier coming down. But does that make a difference, will I see any great change in my horizon. One thing it has allowed is my forthcoming trip that I am looking forward to. But in reality I am still going to be here most of the time. My network more than slightly dented, I suppose it's fair enough, they were hers before, I just was on the edge, and now I'm out again. And any group meeting can't happen because you aren't even comfortable enough to reply to a fucking text. You wanted a friendship, what am I supposed to do if you don't talk to me? That isn''t a friendship. A promise unkept, a promise worth making? I don't know. There has to be some sort of proverb kicking about there, can't place my finger on one.

Nevermind
Samuel

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The Secret's In The Telling

Is it? This blog isn't entirely secret any more. The person I have told still doesn't know where it is. But I am glad she knows. It's nice to know there are people like her around. Like me I guess. I am literally counting off the days until July 8th now. Just two short blogs today.

Goodnight
Samuel

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A Perfect Sonnet

I miss being in love. Being in love and to being loved back. I miss that.

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Understand The Dream Is Over

First off, RIP Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. I shan't dwell on these, they speak for themselves.

Secondly, a friend of mine has helped me realise, inadvertently, that I am doing no favours clinging onto the past. All that said, I am not about to throw it away and deny its existence. She is doing something very hard in trying to move on in life with a broken heart. And she is feeling slightly better day by day, by not dwelling. So I am going to stop looking at the past, and stop hoping for the future, live day for day, and if good things return, they return. If they don't, I will find a way to cope. To this friend, anonymous as I don't want to name anybody here, thank you, I hope things get better for you, and I look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. Whilst I am starting to believe this blog title, the album from which it comes "Emotion is Dead", the sophomore from the fantastic band 'The Juliana Theory' who I had the honour of see perform on their last ever UK tour back in 2006, I feel is not true. As far as I am concerned; emotion is well and truly NOT dead.

Finally tonight, Less Than Zero, one of my favourite novels I have read recently. I watched the film adaptation tonight. I thought it was a very good film. Not a very good novel adaptation though. The cast was entirely wrong, except Downey Jr. and the guy who played Rip. They were perfect. Clay was too different from the book, and the focus was shifted. It was on Julians spiralling rather than Clay's emptiness. The book and the film will remain as two seperate entities in my head I feel. As a film I'd give it a solid 74% rating.

Well, I had a lot to say tonight. V is responsible for me not saying much here, she has been a very useful ear. So that's all.
Samuel

spotify:track:3L3WZqsIkp0keLqCrhVOFC

Stray Dog Freedom

That's what I want. It's exactly what I want. I want to be able to just get out and explore. I want to cross middle America, spend time in Australia, backpack through eastern Europe. I want to see the world. And I am going to. Or at least I hope to God I am. The moment I finish university I am going to find a decent paying full time job, doing pretty much anything and stick strongly at that for a year / 18 months or so and then do it. I have family in Australia who I could probably have me for fairly cheap. America has fantastic motels all across the middle. Going that way I could even go up to Canada as well, maybe visit Nova Scotia. The idea of that is heaven to me. I haven't ever been the type to want to do these things. But I know if I don't do it once I would regret it.

Like what I did on March 6th. I did that for fear I would regret not doing it. And to be honest I think I would. I needed the space to work out what I wanted. It's just a shame that what I did on March 6th got rid of the thing I eventually realised I wanted. I suppose we all make mistakes, but that one is going to stay with me for a while I think.

Beyond today's mini revelation I have little to say. Was awake a lot last night again. Ended up watching a lot of One Tree Hill again. Being tired/emotional I became dewy eyed at one episode initially through happy, then through really shocked/sad. How sad indeed.

I assembled a chair (office style) and a desk today as we are re arranging our office room at the minute and have a new PC coming tomorrow, with a monitor that was too wide to fit in the cubby hole on the old desk. So we got a new desk. There's a mattress coming for the fold down bed too. Busy day tomorrow regarding all of that. Beyond the menial home life nothing exciting happening this week until Friday. It's a friends birthday and we're going to see Transformers 2 , which I could be a lot more excited about, but all in all it seems like it could be okay.

Right, I am going now, I'll check in tomorrow I imagine.
Samuel

spotify:track:6Q94QAJ0T4Jx4S8fUtWWua

What's It Feel Like To Be a Ghost?

Re-recorded my two demo songs today. Still not entirely happy with them. Lyrics need a touch up on one, and my voice needs a serious touch up on the other. And I need to do some VERY basic production work, they need to be a bit cracklier. I can't believe I am complaining that the microphone is too good. I need to lessen the quality to mask my voice really.

I also watched Shutter this morning. Film in the style of The Ring with Joshua Jackson from Fringe. It was okay. Not that great though. I haven't decided what yet, but I plan on watching a film tomorrow morning as well. It's quite nice to be able to just wander through to the living room with the duvet, dogs and a cup of tea and mong out. Still up and dressed and taking on the day by 11:30 in most cases. Win win situation.

As you can probably gather from this title, I am having a Taking Back Sunday music day. The song also relates to the film, Shutter, that I watched earlier. And to everything on top of that. Feel as though I have faded into the background of life recently, but then I guess I have. I haven't exactly been Mr active out and about getting involved in things. There's a party for a friend on Saturday afternoon which I'd love to go to, but don't want to because doing so will make my heart break a bit. I'm sure she'll understand, I'll post up some reason about having to be at work. I can't just go there with the risk of being judged and pushed aside by people, person in particular. This, again, is a problem of mine. I overanalyse what people are likely to think before they even know anything. And so I get scared, and end up never revealing anything or going anywhere. Maybe one day that'll change. Well, it already has to an extent. Being very exciting for me, In 16 days I go to Grimsby and crashing the night in the spare room of someones house I have never been to. Hopefully it'll all go well.

Right, well I am off now. Not sure what to do, either watch One Tree Hill, 90210, Supersizers OR read American Psycho in bed. Whichever of the above is chosen; I am heading to bed.

Goodnight
Samuel

spotify:track:0AQy1y0uDCzT7IYS72hHLc

Let The Distance Keep Us Together

I didn't sleep too well last night, and as such I ended up thinking. And it really did allow me to acknowledge just how bad things have been since August 14th 2008. In that time my father has died, my mother was clearly suffering from depression, me and my girlfriend of just short of 2 and a half years (at the time) have split. If you compare that to any of the previous bad parts of my life, this last 11 or so months comes out as the worst by a long way. So I guess I am in some kind of rut. And I am not entirely sure what to do to pull myself out of it. I tried one way, and that has been pushed back. I am afraid to try another, because there is a tiny bit of string dangling elsewhere that has a much more dangerous ride but will pull me straight out. The other is probably a fairly easy ride, but I'm still going to be somewhere in this well. I am using a well purely metaphorically to represent the rut, I am sure I didn't need to explain that.

It's just hard to know exactly what I am supposed to do here. I always end up thinking of that line from One Tree Hill I moaned about the other day. They say it's easy to walk away from pain. But I have issues with that, you have to have a happy to aim towards. Or what if you are surrounded by shit? Then where do you go? Sometimes it's just too hard to think and work out the path. I need someone to guide me, but for as long as nobody I know has been told about this blog, and about what I feel, then I can't expect anyone to help. It's that again. I want to talk to people about this, and I want to be told it'll be okay. But I was like this when my father died, I don't want to tell people because they will think I am looking for pity, or that my self-absorption is too much. Afraid to pull people close in case we're both norths or something.

Anyway, I had better go, I am supposed to be backing up the computer in the other room as the new one is arriving on Wednesday. there has been no tiler or Argos man yet.... Nevermind

Samuel

A New Friend / Daddy's Gone

And so, June 21st. Summer solstice, the most hours of daylight of the year. Also my elder brother's 40th birthday. Also Father's Day. Takes the piss a bit really, the first father's day of my life that I have to live without a father is the longest of the year. One of those karma kicks in the balls isn't it. It struck me today as well that he'll have been dead for a whole year in less than 8 weeks. How on earth can that have happened? August 14th last year, and it's now the latter half of June. I don't understand how that time has slipped by. So yes, I miss you Dad, and I hope you had a good father's day.

In different news (to relate to title A, a melancholy track by The Good Life to close their Album of the Year album, bar the reflective Two Years This Month) I have just booked a return train ticket to Grimsby to visit someone. I am really looking forward to that. It'll be one hell of an adventure. I have never done anything of that sort before. Really looking forward to it. Lots of time on the train too, so I will ensure the iPod is fully charged and I have plenty to read! I'll have to practice sleeping without the television on though. Not too bad pricewise either.

It was the summer ball for my uni yesterday. I didn't go. Someone I know did. It looks like she had fun. Though she hasn't told me. My little, frail olive branch I extended on Friday is still hanging precariously in the air...

I am quite tired, I usually have a little sleep on a Sunday afternoon, but I haven't today, I was just about too, but then a bacon sandwich arrived in my room, and after that I was awake properly again. The Grand Prix was pretty good, Vettel was dominant. Shame about the other Sebastiens though, I keep my eye out for them. Had fun with my sister as well, I think we both needed to keep each other distracted. One of the hardest days to get through unscathed since what would have been his 65th birthday earlier this year. At least then I had someone to lean on. I somehow managed to kick my own crutch out from beneath me on that one. I think I am going to sit up for a little while and listen to The Good Life's album, and maybe play a little bit of Pure on the Playstation3, then head to bed. Have to be up tomorrow, we are getting a delivery from Argos and the tiler from the bathroom is coming back because he skimped a bit, and mum wasn't impressed. Before I get too carried away with speaking about the trivial parts of life, I am going to say goodnight to you.

So, goodnight.
Samuel

spotify:track:6eFIPUiEjNmoskzZPbRsXU / spotify:track:5Xkht48NOI9eirHjY7d87I

Saturday As Usual

I am thinking of doing a One Tree Hill style thing and writing all my blogs under an appropriate song title title. Yes I did mean to repeat title, I am sure I could have got around it but let us move past this grammatical faux-pas. This initiative starts today with 'Saturday As Usual' one of the better Bright Eyes songs from early days, even if his voice does become...a little strained towards the end. Picked because today is a very typical Saturday, or at least I imagine it will gbe. Got up a little bit late for work, but still managed to get there for 7:20am which isn't too shabby.

*INSERT 45 MINUTE BREAK IN BLOG*

Sorry, had to re-fit a shelf that fell off the wall in the sisters room. And have had a cup of tea in that time too. Just eating the remains of the chips from last nights Pizza takeaway from the microwave. Yum. Yes so that changed Saturdays ever so slightly. But I am going to just do my usual internet site checks etc etc for a little while with some music in the background (currently All The Ones by The Northwestern). Then I will go for a lie down and watch the Qualifying from this morning, recorded using PlayTV. Hopefully going to go to London with a couple of the guys from work in the next couple of weeks or so. Should be goooood. I have also set a provisional date of Wednesday 1st July for my first great potato excavation, to see if anything has actually grown. The runner beans have shot up something fantastic, one of the plants is to the top of the pyramid concocted as support in just 3 weeks. I also think I have got the first signs of a poblano chilli pepper growing too. It's all getting quite exciting. I just hope my spring onions are a success. They are the easiest to just pick/wash and eat.

I need to invent some extra storage for music in this bedroom. I am left now with 10 spaces for more CD's. In the last week I have bought 8. So that tells you how long the space will last.... I also want a good, big, music and art hybrid canvas of some sort to go above my bed. I want it to be serene, with no real picture as such, just a general image of a feeling, with one main lyric across it, and some smaller lines of lyrics written across it as well. Lyrics will likely be a mixture from Rural Alberta Advantage, Two Gallants, and Bright Eyes. But who knows. A nice big white and red one with some Hope of the States quotes could work well too. I'll think about it in more detail.

Anyway, I am going to finish getting changed from work, get another drink (either a cup of tea, a can of the caffeine free diet coke, or maybe a big ol' bottle of orange and mango smoothie), then settle down and watch some Silverstone action. I will probably be on here later tonight, I find the action of writing the blogs most calming, and it definitely gives me something to do, and think about.

Ta-ra
Samuel

Ouch

And then pop goes the contentedness. Feels like someone has grabbed my heart and is squeezing it with a gentle touch of nail being dug in occassionally. That said, it's all in my head anyway. Partly. My contact complied entirely with what was outlined, I thought. I obviously need a little more direction to advise how I am meant to act for this to happen. I am sorry if I did it wrong x

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RE:Done

Having posted I now see that 'not a lot to say' means 'I am about to post my longest blog yet'. Haha.

Done

Not a lot for me to say today. Again, been fairly busy. Finished my course, which is all good news. It was informative. I bought Taking Back Sunday's first and second albums from HMV today, along with One Tree Hill season 5. Hence I earned 3500 points on their new 'PURE' card... they don't really explain what it does, you accrue points (1 per penny) and I assume thereby that somewhere along the line you qualify for money off. How much money per point it doesn't say. Or at least it didn't until I got bored reading the T&C's.

It's yet another lovely day at work to get excited about tomorrow. Oh yay oh yay. But then I get the watch the British GP this weekend too. On TV of course. F1 of course is falling apart, very dull. Just give them all a kick up the arse and sort it out. Easily said I suppose.

Also, I finished reading The Dice Man today...it's good, but far too long for what it does. Most of it becomes irrelevant for the last 200 pages or so bar the final 20. The important plot directions in those last 200 points are also glossed over, and the waffle is overly focused upon. I doubt I will read the sequel, for a while at least.

I suppose I ought to have better things to do of a Friday evening as a 20 year old student, but I clearly do not. I will watch Big Brother in 25 minutes, then watch new Dexter having caught up yesterday, then head to bed and watch yesterdays Daily Show, and today's if I am still awake (as I fell asleep during yesterdays). I think that is why I have been slightly more buoyant these last two days, I haven't been awake late into the night/early into the morning, so I haven't had time to just wallow and dwell on my twaticisms and feel self-pitying. That said the other night (Wednesday I think) I woke up following a wonderful dream where I was deeply in love and happy with some girl called Malena. We lived in some rural area and were at a barndance if that makes any difference. I woke up longing for the feeling of reciprocated love, and was disappointed that it wasn't there. Of course Malena doesn't exist, and in fact wasn't the sort of person I would typically find myself attracted to physically, slight, fairly short with long blonde hair. But I suppose that is by-the-by. Dreams are welcome though, since my father died I have found myself either not dreaming, or not remembering my dreams, so to dream is a definite relief. Sign that there can be hope in life.

Anyway, enough of my 'not a lot to say' rambling. I am going to enjoy a cup of tea, a quick peruse of the internet, and then join my mother in the living room to watch Big Brother.

I shall be back tomorrow most likely, as long as my afternoon nap doesn't last 3 and a half hours like it did last Sunday. Whooops.

Samuel

Thursday - The Day?

Thursdays tend to be the day of the week I enjoy the least, usually very tired and grotty by Thursday, and I have the impending work of the weekend hanging over me. But, today has gone against the grain. I have had a reasonably good day, I am in good spirits, and I have not suffered the dreadful dullness I often get day to day. The film, as I have said, was very violent. It was pretty good, I mean, by no means ex ellent, but perfectly watchable. A solid 65% rating I'd say. I have listened to some music since I got back, had some dinner, watched an episode of One Tree Hill, had a shower, a shave, watched the Mentalist, and am watching BB at the minute, about to switch to Dexter. Did a very tiny bit of ironing, Mum did most of it, and didn't leaave me many easy bits.

Plan for the rest of the day is to watch Dexter, then go to bed, and get up bright and early to get on the bus to go and see Neil and listen to him speak for 7 hours. That will clear a good 6 months away from the traumas, which is a good thing. I will therefore probably be alright tomorrow as well, be kept busy etc. I think that is a big part of my problem, I have very little to keep me busy. And unfortunately, I don't really have anyone to keep me busy either. The one I would like to isn't particularly interested at the moment, but that's induced entirely by my own fault. I am going to try and extend my friendship with others as well, really make an effort. Anyway I digress.

Dexter has started, I shall be gone now.
I shall be back another day.

Samuel

Last House on the Left

INCREDIBLY violent film.

Morning

Good morning. Feeling a bit brighter this morning as I know I have the prospect of the cinema ahead of me, which is good. However, I need to stop dreaming at night. And I need to contradict a line that PSawyer said on One Tree Hill. Yes, I know, scripted show, la la la etc etc. But usually they are okay at summing things up. So firstly...

1) Had a dream that I thoroughly enjoyed last night, and that's just the problem. If I have a dream where things are going well and I am happy etc etc, I wake up more empty than usual in the knowledge that those things aren't real, and there is no practical way for them to be real, at least in this point in time. Now...

2) Peyton yesterday, to Jake, said "You can walk away from pain." or something along those lines. Now, I am not going to say this is wrong, but you are still going to hurt etc no matter how far you walk away from pain, UNLESS you are walking towards something better. And there isn't always somewhere better to walk towards. Sometimes that's all people are looking for, a way to go.

Anyway, that's enough of a pre-rant today. I might be back later after I've been out etc, as I won't be late. Let's just hope I have a good time eh? Stop my moaning for a bit.

Pet Shop Boys:Pop Art arrived today, and I bought the new single by The Northwestern off of iTunes as I got bored of waiting for the vinyl to arrive through the post. I am trying to post a direct link to it on Facebook, but MySpace isn't working right, and that is where I found the link. Nevermind. I am off to get dressed and things.

Talk later
Samuel