At The Bottom

The following was written August 17th. All words speak the truth of my mind.

I know it's a stupid, maybe strange, way to think but I live my life just waiting for the reactions of others. I always want that glimmer or approval or acceptance. It's particularly difficult to see where it's next coming from when in the past six months I have lost three sources through pure piggishness. The first I left, the second I came to, emotional tension did fill the air, the little touches were electric. But I kept careful and nothing happened as I hadn't left the first yet. I did, then the second became very coy and not interested, She is "pre-occupied" with some guy I don't know called JW now anyway. The third started building not long thereafter. A contrast to the second where I was emotional committing before any reciprocation indicated. It took time to come to fruition, a couple of months really, but it did. Again, a distance away, travelled only the once.

I have no ill feeling toward the first. The second I simply don't understand. The third, being still fresh, can stir up a million emotions all at once. At first I am frustrated, at her, and myself for repeating the second scenario again, and so soon also. I feel foolish for believing I was something to her. I feel confused because I lust for her despite her not being my physical type, and in hindsight, her kindness is not as extensive as first it seemed. I am angry because I poured so much into her, told her how hard I had found things, was still finding things, then she fucked me over. Did I have a target on my head? Did she do it intentionally or was it just bad luck on my part? Did I bring it onto myself? I feel sorry for her because I know she's as shitty at life as me recently. But I despise her too. But I don't. I care too much. I miss her, and never want to see her again. I don't understand my own mind.

The day we first communicated again was also the day I first went to meet my previous girlfriend. Luckily five years space did the job and we can definitely get on as friends.

[section removed]

Back to the point, it's the desire to be truly appreciated, unfortunately I need more than a platonic appreciation. That causes my days to be long. I don't want huge great love affairs, and rampant emotions. I just want the excitement at the prospect of hearing from someone who wants to hear from me. I know who I want that to be.

I think back to my 18th birthday, hasted at a friend's house. I was supposedly in love. I was, just not with the right person. I was on the stairs texting her, loving her, telling her I didn't, telling her I couldn't. Not loving the girl a few feet away I was supposed to. I curse myself for how I treated end-of-the-phone girl. I'd loved her for at least 2 years. My holiday in Wales I spent entirely thinking of her. And she knew. That I loved her at least. I assume she did. Distance, again, fucked me over. If she had been near it would have been fine. Instead I broke my heart, and likely hers. The girl I'm with at the time is the first from earlier.

Truth told, I don't think I truly got past that properly. Of course it was pushed to the back of my mind and thought about as little as possible. But never dealt with. I did love the first, as she fixed me up into some functioning excuse of a human after my disintegration due to end-of-the-hone girl. I always still had a part of me reserved for her though. I want to name her, but as she is taken now it would not be fair.

He's fucking attractive too.

It was her 18th this weekend gone. She is beautiful and happy no longer knowing me. I hate hope, and shouldn't trust it for the pain it has shown me, but I sent her my number, and birthday greetings and she called, twice. The first she hung up before we spoke, the second we had our first vocal conversation, and my spark reignited. I have given her the choice of contact to follow, but I will hear from her again somehow.

I need to. There's no one else to fill this void.

If we call her the fifth then the list goes like this (ex girlfriend - now friend is fourth).

1) Relationship over, wouldn't work.
2) Now taken, still resent a little for ending the first, don't understand her.
3) Still hurts, despise, care too much, has affected me more than the others.
4) A necessary friendship, we are each others crutch right now.
5) Long distance love of old, ILY, phantom tea cake munchers, ironing boards at Morrison's, HOPE.

That last word is dangerous.