No title this time

So I was watching InTreatment week five/six, season one...and something struck me about myself.

I define my days around you. I don’t even really know you any more. I haven’t known you properly in years. Yet everyday, I wonder if today could be the day. I take every word you leave somewhere that I can read, and I instantly analyse it, decide whether it relates to me and how. And even if I know deep down it doesn’t relate to me, and you are just living as normal, coincident to my existence, I make it about me, EVERY time. It’s ridiculous.

The reason that InTreatment set me off thinking on this tangent is because Paul and Kate were at therapy with Gina. Kate had an affair, which she said literally meant nothing. Paul was, for lack of a better phrase, in love with one of his patients, Laura. Kate had the gall to take a moral high ground over Paul because she had not EMOTIONALLY betrayed him, which was far worse. Personally, I think that is a crock of shit. The last relationship I was in, there was some emotional overflow towards the end, that I can’t deny. And whilst I feel dreadful about that, when the opportunity was there, I didn’t do anything wrong. I realised I was emotionally confused, and so I ended it. That was the right thing to do. The emotional conflict I had flit back and forth for a few weeks, so I would sometimes doubt what had happened, but ultimately, I made the right decision.

This led me to thinking about my feelings for you. (This you is NOT on Tumblr, and is neither of the people involved in the aforementioned conflict). I was thinking if I were to go to therapy, which I don’t need, but it’s always been something I have been intrigued by. When you came up into this imaginary conversation I see the therapist suggesting I try to cut you away from everything about me completely. Erase you from my life. Because you are in love, and you are happy, I hope. Well I don’t, but I do, yes? If I were to cut you from my life, it wouldn’t have the definition that I started this ramble off with. I would rather have totally unrequited feelings towards you, with the delusion that one day that may change and you may return even a glimmer of feeling than have total indifference towards you and not know you at all. Like I said, I don’t know any specifics about you really. I know a couple, the sort of thing anyone could know. But I do know WHO you are, and what you are like. Just because I don’t know WHAT you like and why, that does not stop me from knowing you.