Words are at a loss to me, and to be entirely honest, so are my thoughts. As days go by I find myself descending deeper into this self-induced stupor. I know my downward spiral has started again.
But I'm not upset, down, depressed, whatever you want to call it. I'm not exactly jumping for joy, but I wouldn't say I was sad.
I have my hollowness back again, and I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to welcome it back, because I was glad to be rid of it... but it is mighty comfortable knowing that whatever you do, or whatever you say isn't going to impact anybody. I guess it's a kind of freedom. At the same time it's a segregation from everything. I hate being a burden to people though, and as a result I do retreat like this. I won't ever extend branches unless I really, genuinely care too much for fear of backing people into a corner and causing them to resent me. I am sure I have achieved this.
I am just talking words, that have very little cohesion I know, but I cannot compel myself to stop. I have nothing to say. Just to anybody at all who might read this, for all negative impact on your respective life(lives) I am truly sorry. I don't know what I will do with myself in this mire for now, I need to get back to university, I just need FUCKING ANYTHING to give me meaning again.
I'm just floating about.
This, I am sure, reads fairly similarly to some of my earlier posts... which either proves that I am easily breakable... or I was never fixed. Which one it is, I leave to you to choose.
I sense a lot of blogs coming up with a similar nothing content. I feel safe writing here. Stupid I know. I just do.
spotify:track:2lQjEzV5W4eLxxsJxMgqqw
Friday, 31 July 2009
Good Morning
Well it's technically afternoon now.
Broken sleep is back.. three cheers...? NOT.
Humiliation is something we all loathe, yet I seem to do so well.
Jack's Mannequin tickets arrived today. This is good.
Cold pizza here I come.
spotify:track:7rBsYaybbcRhCDOZWU48e3
Broken sleep is back.. three cheers...? NOT.
Humiliation is something we all loathe, yet I seem to do so well.
Jack's Mannequin tickets arrived today. This is good.
Cold pizza here I come.
spotify:track:7rBsYaybbcRhCDOZWU48e3
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Admission: Regret
Regret may be a bitstrong. At least it's said.
FUCK
just.
FUCK
Dammit.
Should I have kept quiet?
spotify:track:6RDeZqB9cUGnddrgxa0zNX
FUCK
just.
FUCK
Dammit.
Should I have kept quiet?
spotify:track:6RDeZqB9cUGnddrgxa0zNX
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
The Whipping Haus
This is going to be a bit of a rant plus an insight into my views on religion. So if you're squeamish please look away now.
(PS the song I have linked to is from an album that is SO sexually charged it's untrue)
First things first, I am not a religious person. That is not to say that I am an atheist, I am not going to deny the existence of a God or a 'higher power' as to an extent I think there probably is. There are forces like luck, positive and negative, which I believe are a controlled force. But not by those involved.
I think that one of these powers is taunting me. Looking back at the end of yesterday, I was feeling pretty comfortable, and getting used to the idea, as much as I didn't like it. I hadn't read any literature, or watched anything that focused heavily on vampires since being a teenager and reading the Darren Shan saga. But yesterday I watched the pilot of True Blood, and it really did well in showing the sexualisation of vampires, and the idea of the culture. And I was seduced by the idea, entirely. The idea of a vampire is incredibly sexy, I cannot deny that.
Let us couple this with learning that the thing I want most is unobtainable, for reasons that to be honest, I don't know. Over the last couple of weeks getting used to the idea that I am not going to have this has been quite hard, but I was just about on top of it. And then I see this coupled with the idea of the vampire culture, and I am back to square one, maybe even further back. That sort of desire has just eaten me up all day thus far.
This has reaffirmed my belief that there must be some higher being, and that at some point I have greatly PISSED him/her/it off. Because that was just too coincidental for my liking. It was as though I am meant to suffer.
The rope was dangled, close enough to just get a taste, and then it was pulled out of reach, and then it came back with even more appeal and was dangled in front of me but just too far for me to do anything about it.
Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to clarify my own thoughts more than anything else.
spotify:track:7arnZAe1ReZgDtjLz7WY82
(PS the song I have linked to is from an album that is SO sexually charged it's untrue)
First things first, I am not a religious person. That is not to say that I am an atheist, I am not going to deny the existence of a God or a 'higher power' as to an extent I think there probably is. There are forces like luck, positive and negative, which I believe are a controlled force. But not by those involved.
I think that one of these powers is taunting me. Looking back at the end of yesterday, I was feeling pretty comfortable, and getting used to the idea, as much as I didn't like it. I hadn't read any literature, or watched anything that focused heavily on vampires since being a teenager and reading the Darren Shan saga. But yesterday I watched the pilot of True Blood, and it really did well in showing the sexualisation of vampires, and the idea of the culture. And I was seduced by the idea, entirely. The idea of a vampire is incredibly sexy, I cannot deny that.
Let us couple this with learning that the thing I want most is unobtainable, for reasons that to be honest, I don't know. Over the last couple of weeks getting used to the idea that I am not going to have this has been quite hard, but I was just about on top of it. And then I see this coupled with the idea of the vampire culture, and I am back to square one, maybe even further back. That sort of desire has just eaten me up all day thus far.
This has reaffirmed my belief that there must be some higher being, and that at some point I have greatly PISSED him/her/it off. Because that was just too coincidental for my liking. It was as though I am meant to suffer.
The rope was dangled, close enough to just get a taste, and then it was pulled out of reach, and then it came back with even more appeal and was dangled in front of me but just too far for me to do anything about it.
Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to clarify my own thoughts more than anything else.
spotify:track:7arnZAe1ReZgDtjLz7WY82
Something I Can Never Have
So this is morning...
It's when I spend the most time...
Thinkin' 'bout what I've given up.
Actually it's not, but it is when I spend the most time thinkin' 'bout what I haven't got.
If that makes sense. Iam stuffed with food, and a little bit of alcohol...
And SMOOOOOOOOOTHIE.
I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow I imagine. Nine Inch Nails revolution still continues.
I watched the first episode of True Blood earlier, and it just reminded me how sexy vampires can be. Even though the one focused on was a guy... he still wasn't exactly unappealing. Then I go and see a picture of you as a vampire and my brain went into over load.
Oh dear at me.
I don't know what to write. I don't know if I want to moan about all the shit, which I could do for ages, write about the good times today and yesterday have been, which I could do for ages, or write about what the hell goes through my mind, which I could do for ages.
Either way it'll take ages, so I'll probably just skip over it all unless otherwise requested. And as there won't be a request, I guess it stays inside!
Samuel
spotify:track:3g8N4tDcSdCiSrs3LWaWrE
It's when I spend the most time...
Thinkin' 'bout what I've given up.
Actually it's not, but it is when I spend the most time thinkin' 'bout what I haven't got.
If that makes sense. Iam stuffed with food, and a little bit of alcohol...
And SMOOOOOOOOOTHIE.
I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow I imagine. Nine Inch Nails revolution still continues.
I watched the first episode of True Blood earlier, and it just reminded me how sexy vampires can be. Even though the one focused on was a guy... he still wasn't exactly unappealing. Then I go and see a picture of you as a vampire and my brain went into over load.
Oh dear at me.
I don't know what to write. I don't know if I want to moan about all the shit, which I could do for ages, write about the good times today and yesterday have been, which I could do for ages, or write about what the hell goes through my mind, which I could do for ages.
Either way it'll take ages, so I'll probably just skip over it all unless otherwise requested. And as there won't be a request, I guess it stays inside!
Samuel
spotify:track:3g8N4tDcSdCiSrs3LWaWrE
Monday, 27 July 2009
Here Comes The Anxiety
I hope I was able to help today. I know a hug isn't much but it was the most I could offer really. Next time we have a day out we'll do something that WON'T result in us getting all morbid at each other!!!
And to you, what Facebook said about your eyes, some of that as true. Mystery isn't necessarily the right word but looking into your eyes it wasn't easy to read you. I think I read you wrong. But never mind, I got to look into those eyes, and those eyes were beautiful. Once is better than never xx
Should be going bowling tomorrow, which ought to be fun.
I need university, I need something. I need the distraction.
I really am pitiful. Haha. Nevermind!
Samuel
spotify:track:4B8lHowyNr1hQzZKmLFdkk
And to you, what Facebook said about your eyes, some of that as true. Mystery isn't necessarily the right word but looking into your eyes it wasn't easy to read you. I think I read you wrong. But never mind, I got to look into those eyes, and those eyes were beautiful. Once is better than never xx
Should be going bowling tomorrow, which ought to be fun.
I need university, I need something. I need the distraction.
I really am pitiful. Haha. Nevermind!
Samuel
spotify:track:4B8lHowyNr1hQzZKmLFdkk
Birds (Revisited)
I cannot get over how much I love this song at the moment, despite the very dodgy lyrics.
"She was waiting at the station
He was getting off the train
He didn't have a ticket
So he had to bum through the barriers again
Well the ticket inspector saw him rushing through
He said "girl you don't know how much I missed you but
We'd better run 'cause I haven't got the funds to pay this fine."
She said "fine"
Well so they ran out of the station and jumped onto a bus
With two of yesterdays travel cards and two bottles of bud
And he said "you look well nice"
Well she was wearing a skirt
And he thought she looked nice
And yes, she didn't really care about anything else
'Cause she only wanted him to think that she looked nice
And he did
But he was looking at her, yeah all funny in the eye
She said "come on boy tell me what you're thinking
Now don't be shy."
He said alright, "I'll try
All the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you."
She said "what?"
He said "let me try and explain again
"Right, birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head,
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel well scared
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Yeah that's how I feel about you."
She said "what?"
He said "you"
She said "what are you talking about?"
He said "you"
Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel well scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Right, that's how I feel about you
She said "thanks, I like you too"
He said "cool" "
spotify:track:1eHIG6oHdTdB7mBOxn02qN
He was getting off the train
He didn't have a ticket
So he had to bum through the barriers again
Well the ticket inspector saw him rushing through
He said "girl you don't know how much I missed you but
We'd better run 'cause I haven't got the funds to pay this fine."
She said "fine"
Well so they ran out of the station and jumped onto a bus
With two of yesterdays travel cards and two bottles of bud
And he said "you look well nice"
Well she was wearing a skirt
And he thought she looked nice
And yes, she didn't really care about anything else
'Cause she only wanted him to think that she looked nice
And he did
But he was looking at her, yeah all funny in the eye
She said "come on boy tell me what you're thinking
Now don't be shy."
He said alright, "I'll try
All the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you."
She said "what?"
He said "let me try and explain again
"Right, birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head,
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel well scared
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Yeah that's how I feel about you."
She said "what?"
He said "you"
She said "what are you talking about?"
He said "you"
Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel so scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Right birds can fly so high
And they can shit on your head
And they can almost fly into your eye
And make you feel well scared.
But when you look at them
And you see that they're beautiful
That's how I feel about you
Right, that's how I feel about you
She said "thanks, I like you too"
He said "cool" "
Sunday, 26 July 2009
The Impatient Will Suffer
That they will. I only have 2 more weeks at work now. I'm really going to miss it. Well, the people, not the job particularly. Must do very best to remain close contact with them. Lunch tomorrow should be good, and hopefully bowling at some point during the week as well.
I'm tired all the time again now. Even though I am sleeping a lot. I am the opposite of how I was a couple of months ago when I couldn't sleep at all, now I sleep a lot, and I am just as tired. I need something to keep my day times occupied when I am at home. My output seems to return nothing but static, or just dead silence. I need a One Tree Hill replacement. It was so consuming and took everything away and all sorts for a good couple of months.
There's about 2 months until I am back at uni now. May the worries commence!
spotify:track:0xSPmxAGH0QZXC5GTBmbCs
I'm tired all the time again now. Even though I am sleeping a lot. I am the opposite of how I was a couple of months ago when I couldn't sleep at all, now I sleep a lot, and I am just as tired. I need something to keep my day times occupied when I am at home. My output seems to return nothing but static, or just dead silence. I need a One Tree Hill replacement. It was so consuming and took everything away and all sorts for a good couple of months.
There's about 2 months until I am back at uni now. May the worries commence!
spotify:track:0xSPmxAGH0QZXC5GTBmbCs
Friday, 24 July 2009
Holiday From Real
I figured Malta was my 'Holiday from Real', the break from everyday. But in reality I had already had that, and so slipping back into everyday life, even in Malta (not quite so everyday I know) has been really quite dull. And I get the feeling that I am not going to get that break again as there has been no indication of it returning.
I wish my sister would get up, I have to show her how to navigate some of Aylestone's back streets but she is point blank refusing to get out of bed.
spotify:track:237n2DzHh25kazw5Ve4Poq
I wish my sister would get up, I have to show her how to navigate some of Aylestone's back streets but she is point blank refusing to get out of bed.
spotify:track:237n2DzHh25kazw5Ve4Poq
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Young and Inspiring
Been reading the non-autobiographical-yet-autobiographical journal entries from Malta. Thought I would put this one up here. I was going to DeviantArt it, but as it isn't really 'creative' as such, I thought best not.
"The french girl is beautiful. But she's probably dull as sin, and seems to be too young. Maybe 17?
No-one has yet come to surpass my desire for the one I adore. No signal. The arrival home to no messages I know will disappoint despite preparation.
I need a drink.
I have no vodka.
The bars are closed here.
Must retreat to Literature.
Fear The Ludovician.
Please Love Me"
That was the penultimate evening, on my balcony. This came a few hours before on a wall facing the sea.
"I tried to raise the fact that she had been far more temperamental this trip and I have actually acted as the calming force. She then just stomps off with her cloud of egoism and aura of self-righteousness in tow. She can't even acknowledge what I say.
In the time since then we have endured a painfully slow dinner.
I spoke rarely as my concentration went into shaking my leg to stem the tirade I felt was rising. When I spoke it was just from the menu, yes, no, or about how Michael Jackson's brain has been removed before burial or postulating on how birds would cope if they had no legs.
That's done now and I am on the wall looking out at the dark. I am now an unsettled mix of calm and anger. A split of emotions I am not fully able to comprehend. The novel is still on pause. I am having tense issues.
The french girl is beautiful.
If you don't want to, just say I am hanging in limbo"
It's funny how I was so cohesive when my emotions were more on edge. When I calmed for the balcony, I spoke almost in riddle. I obviously need to write more when I am angry.
This has been a long blog. I am going to work both of these extracts into a short novella in the style of The Informers.
Sans vampires.
spotify:track:5AcWLXw3J6XVC9Ba6SNB0u
No-one has yet come to surpass my desire for the one I adore. No signal. The arrival home to no messages I know will disappoint despite preparation.
I need a drink.
I have no vodka.
The bars are closed here.
Must retreat to Literature.
Fear The Ludovician.
Please Love Me"
That was the penultimate evening, on my balcony. This came a few hours before on a wall facing the sea.
"I tried to raise the fact that she had been far more temperamental this trip and I have actually acted as the calming force. She then just stomps off with her cloud of egoism and aura of self-righteousness in tow. She can't even acknowledge what I say.
In the time since then we have endured a painfully slow dinner.
I spoke rarely as my concentration went into shaking my leg to stem the tirade I felt was rising. When I spoke it was just from the menu, yes, no, or about how Michael Jackson's brain has been removed before burial or postulating on how birds would cope if they had no legs.
That's done now and I am on the wall looking out at the dark. I am now an unsettled mix of calm and anger. A split of emotions I am not fully able to comprehend. The novel is still on pause. I am having tense issues.
The french girl is beautiful.
If you don't want to, just say
It's funny how I was so cohesive when my emotions were more on edge. When I calmed for the balcony, I spoke almost in riddle. I obviously need to write more when I am angry.
This has been a long blog. I am going to work both of these extracts into a short novella in the style of The Informers.
Sans vampires.
spotify:track:5AcWLXw3J6XVC9Ba6SNB0u
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Birds
I wrote some interesting things whilst I was away. I wrote the first chapter for a novel that I know where to go with. I am reasonably happy with that as a draft stage. I also wrote a lot of things which were projected from me, but weren't written 'by' me. Does that make sense? If you have read Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis maybe it would. The things I wrote were autobiographical, but written as though my mind processed events and thoughts differently. I doubt they will make their way onto here. I am going to keep using the notebook though, and continue writing things like that. I found that it's really helpful to get me working. And I am now more solid of mind than I have been. I also got two sets of lyrics, either for songs or just prose, done. They might pop up on DeviantArt eventually, but they need preening, and I need to decide if they are fit for public viewing.
I had a good holiday though. Was nice to get away from life for a bit. Malta is a lovely country, and Gozo is nice too. Shame I didn't have time to wander around Comino as well, I'll get there one day! My UnderOath shoes arrived whilst I was gone, and they are really nice. Comfortable.
Bad news from the holiday. I LOST MY FRIGGIN HAT. Left it on the coach from Marsaxlokk market :-(
R.I.P. Hat
Most listened to music over the week was The Rural Alberta Advantage (again... lol) and 3oh!3. In particular the song Colorado Sunrise. Love it. Song for the title is a little out of left field for me... but I heard it and just something about it got me, lyrics could be better, but the song is just really quite sweet/heartbreaking/warming all at once. I guess that's all anyone wants from music.
Samuel
spotify:track:1eHIG6oHdTdB7mBOxn02qN
I had a good holiday though. Was nice to get away from life for a bit. Malta is a lovely country, and Gozo is nice too. Shame I didn't have time to wander around Comino as well, I'll get there one day! My UnderOath shoes arrived whilst I was gone, and they are really nice. Comfortable.
Bad news from the holiday. I LOST MY FRIGGIN HAT. Left it on the coach from Marsaxlokk market :-(
R.I.P. Hat
Most listened to music over the week was The Rural Alberta Advantage (again... lol) and 3oh!3. In particular the song Colorado Sunrise. Love it. Song for the title is a little out of left field for me... but I heard it and just something about it got me, lyrics could be better, but the song is just really quite sweet/heartbreaking/warming all at once. I guess that's all anyone wants from music.
Samuel
spotify:track:1eHIG6oHdTdB7mBOxn02qN
Monday, 13 July 2009
Seems So
Reading back over the last month or so I have had this blog, its funny to see just how quickly I achieved closure once I decided to look for it. I don't know whether the advice goes for everyone, but to get over something, you've just got to look forward. Accept what was, and move on. I have no animosity or ill-feeling towards the past any more, and only hope for the future.
And without realising it, for the most part, I am happier now than at any point over the last 4 or 5 months. So that's good.
I now own a hat.
Samuel
spotify:track:6nprv1pyddU4X7iviwN9J3
And without realising it, for the most part, I am happier now than at any point over the last 4 or 5 months. So that's good.
I now own a hat.
Samuel
spotify:track:6nprv1pyddU4X7iviwN9J3
Arrest Yourself
In a (potential) moment of clarity, most of what keeps people from being happy is themselves. So I am going to stop be such a narcissist and feeling sorry for myself. It really gets me nowhere. In fact, it sends me backwards.
I really need to get dressed. Typical Monday morning laziness. Even when Monday DOESN'T mean week of uni followed by weekend of work, I still don't like getting up on Monday mornings. I need to get the suitcases out, buy some clothes and, to slightly alter a quote by one of my favourite bands at the minute...
"Run away, Just get on the fucking [plane] and leave [tomorrow]".
If you learn nothing else from me today, learn that the quote above (found at spotify:track:6M5s2OI4wxeepeaEnCX9EP), and the rest of the song, to be honest, the rest of the album, is some of the BEST music you will hear in a while. It's taken me a couple of months of dipping in and out. But last week, the bands music just, clicked with my ears.
Least favourite part of Malta I know already will be hearing so little from you. But I am going to read, I am going to try and write, and most of all I am going to throw myself headfirst into the week. I know it'll be good. And I know you'll think it silly to miss you. But I will.
Right, cup of tea calling.
Samuel
spotify:track:6zjqtikYvgQ2CFdjpVFXW1
I really need to get dressed. Typical Monday morning laziness. Even when Monday DOESN'T mean week of uni followed by weekend of work, I still don't like getting up on Monday mornings. I need to get the suitcases out, buy some clothes and, to slightly alter a quote by one of my favourite bands at the minute...
"Run away, Just get on the fucking [plane] and leave [tomorrow]".
If you learn nothing else from me today, learn that the quote above (found at spotify:track:6M5s2OI4wxeepeaEnCX9EP), and the rest of the song, to be honest, the rest of the album, is some of the BEST music you will hear in a while. It's taken me a couple of months of dipping in and out. But last week, the bands music just, clicked with my ears.
Least favourite part of Malta I know already will be hearing so little from you. But I am going to read, I am going to try and write, and most of all I am going to throw myself headfirst into the week. I know it'll be good. And I know you'll think it silly to miss you. But I will.
Right, cup of tea calling.
Samuel
spotify:track:6zjqtikYvgQ2CFdjpVFXW1
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Mic Check
Actually discovered yesterday in what circumstances SingStar can be fun. That is when with a small group of friends, a large group of empty alcohol bottles, and an infinite amount of silliness. There were no words for how rock 'n' roll the four of us made Tina Turner, Nirvana, Even Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. A very very good night. Spent over an hour playing catch as well. Work with little/no sleep and little/no voice is good fun too.
Feeling pretty good today I think. Always a bonus. Went on a food hunt about 20 mintues ago to find it was already taken care of and due any minute. Perfect opportunity to blog.
Bonus reason to feel good today, JLS released Beat Again on iTunes. That is a seriously good song.
Only a few days until Malta now. I look forward to it. And I look forward to a forthcoming visit. And I look forward to my last weekend at work. And I look forward to a week in cornwall. And I look forward in general...with hope. Hope sparks to the words "Danger! Danger! High Voltage!" in my head. But I don't care. I can hope and be happy. I'd rather do that and then deal with lows, than not hope and STILL have to deal with the lows. Can't help hoping anyway.
spotify:track:02l4umUca0D3Dd64KhjEwl
(PS my new Taking Back Sunday t-shirt smells amazing, I really don't want to wash it because the smell will go...but I will, fear not)
Feeling pretty good today I think. Always a bonus. Went on a food hunt about 20 mintues ago to find it was already taken care of and due any minute. Perfect opportunity to blog.
Bonus reason to feel good today, JLS released Beat Again on iTunes. That is a seriously good song.
Only a few days until Malta now. I look forward to it. And I look forward to a forthcoming visit. And I look forward to my last weekend at work. And I look forward to a week in cornwall. And I look forward in general...with hope. Hope sparks to the words "Danger! Danger! High Voltage!" in my head. But I don't care. I can hope and be happy. I'd rather do that and then deal with lows, than not hope and STILL have to deal with the lows. Can't help hoping anyway.
spotify:track:02l4umUca0D3Dd64KhjEwl
(PS my new Taking Back Sunday t-shirt smells amazing, I really don't want to wash it because the smell will go...but I will, fear not)
Hit The Switch
I know I need to hit the switch and slow down, or else I'll just end up crashing, and that'll hurt.
spotify:track:04Gc8nv8j5bLopDAItp5Eb
spotify:track:04Gc8nv8j5bLopDAItp5Eb
Saturday, 11 July 2009
Can't Stop Feeling
I should go to bed. Today doesn't feel finished yet though. I don't know if it will.
Oh what to do?
Plus my mum is great :-)
spotify:track:3gfQuXfhVg6fQHqL10Mmea
Oh what to do?
Plus my mum is great :-)
spotify:track:3gfQuXfhVg6fQHqL10Mmea
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Look To Me
Well, that was a lovely two days. [century the of understatement (Rearrange into well known phrase or saying)]. Don't really have too much to put here. I have articulated what I have wanted to say to this individual as well as I can.
A whole heap of my worries have been vanquished. And just one has appeared in it's place. And I am sure you know what it is. And I wonder if you are the same. And I wonder for the future. And I wonder.
And I dream...
The song is for you.
Samuel
spotify:track:3YfvwiLBaqjtAX5E2FQVkE
A whole heap of my worries have been vanquished. And just one has appeared in it's place. And I am sure you know what it is. And I wonder if you are the same. And I wonder for the future. And I wonder.
And I dream...
The song is for you.
Samuel
spotify:track:3YfvwiLBaqjtAX5E2FQVkE
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Days Before You Came
Days before you came, I was okay. I was happy. Now that you are gone, I will be the same. I will do the happy bit, and I will be okay. Thought I needed you, but I guess the fact I have spoken to you maybe 4 times in the last 4 months proves otherwise.
Tell your boyfriend if he says he got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.
My new half years resolution is to give up fear, worry etc etc for the future. Live for now. That will be nice. Grimsby later today, can't wait for that. Then Malta next week. That could be really good.
Samuel
spotify:track:1ACaiI36G2FTHmve9NzzLp
(lyrics in bold are from spotify:track:5jzX4dWVQeBTtfBaXnMRt5 )
Tell your boyfriend if he says he got beef, that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.
My new half years resolution is to give up fear, worry etc etc for the future. Live for now. That will be nice. Grimsby later today, can't wait for that. Then Malta next week. That could be really good.
Samuel
spotify:track:1ACaiI36G2FTHmve9NzzLp
(lyrics in bold are from spotify:track:5jzX4dWVQeBTtfBaXnMRt5 )
Monday, 6 July 2009
I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby
And from the shadows of the past emerge two figures, one here, and one 3 hours away. Funny that at 10 o'clock this evening things were fairly simple, and back on track. A setback here, and hopefully what could be a setback elsewhere isn't one that hurts.
That person I have previously referred to as cruel, I have decided to revise my assessment. It's now fucking cruel. Just wish you could have been honest from the start. This is the first time in 4 months where I now think I was right to walk away. Regardless, I hope you find what you are looking for.
And to you, the other with a past emerging, I hope you are okay.
spotify:track:3ibGmT0ZC3ywCKfQ6xVBnf
That person I have previously referred to as cruel, I have decided to revise my assessment. It's now fucking cruel. Just wish you could have been honest from the start. This is the first time in 4 months where I now think I was right to walk away. Regardless, I hope you find what you are looking for.
And to you, the other with a past emerging, I hope you are okay.
spotify:track:3ibGmT0ZC3ywCKfQ6xVBnf
Sunday, 5 July 2009
Story About A Man With A Bad Heart
What happens if you have a bad heart? Not physically, obviously. In that case, you usually keel over. I try to have a good heart. I don't know how well I achieve it, but I try to be kind, and I try to be honest. That has come to kick my in the face a few times. No surprises there though.
It just got me thinking; bad hearts tend to find others and always have a group. Those with truly good hearts seem fewer than those with bad. Those with the good hearts tend to be alone. I don't understand that system. Can good hearts go bad? I think that's happened to one. Probably my fault.
I am in a strange mood, not up or down, or indifferent. Feel separate to myself somehow, trying too hard to analyse myself and ended up disconnected.
You also seem to push me away, do you mean it?
Samuel
spotify:track:097v7IeRX61RIzpy1zIQeY
It just got me thinking; bad hearts tend to find others and always have a group. Those with truly good hearts seem fewer than those with bad. Those with the good hearts tend to be alone. I don't understand that system. Can good hearts go bad? I think that's happened to one. Probably my fault.
I am in a strange mood, not up or down, or indifferent. Feel separate to myself somehow, trying too hard to analyse myself and ended up disconnected.
You also seem to push me away, do you mean it?
Samuel
spotify:track:097v7IeRX61RIzpy1zIQeY
Friday, 3 July 2009
Nothing
Poles apart.
As close to top of the world as I have been in a while this morning. Walked to the city in the pouring rain. It was wonderful. The conversation I had en route was great too. I sent another message on that walk, and I heard nothing.
Right now, I feel kinda shitty. Still no response to that message, so I asked for a response, I asked for her to show some courage and tell me. But she won't. I think I deserve a reply, but clearly not. That's not why I feel crap though.
I don't know why I do. I shouldn't. There's just something there that is still getting to me. Can't put my finger on it. Plus my courage has all but deserted me. Words, so much to say, but no way to communicate.
Samuel
spotify:track:42S5tXOXQycYxyytAwiXkg
As close to top of the world as I have been in a while this morning. Walked to the city in the pouring rain. It was wonderful. The conversation I had en route was great too. I sent another message on that walk, and I heard nothing.
Right now, I feel kinda shitty. Still no response to that message, so I asked for a response, I asked for her to show some courage and tell me. But she won't. I think I deserve a reply, but clearly not. That's not why I feel crap though.
I don't know why I do. I shouldn't. There's just something there that is still getting to me. Can't put my finger on it. Plus my courage has all but deserted me. Words, so much to say, but no way to communicate.
Samuel
spotify:track:42S5tXOXQycYxyytAwiXkg
Starfuckers, Inc. / Saints and Sailors
I sure seem to be a star at f*cking things up
spotify:track:6gW6YWXGCqv06u3mvk3L4K
But some people seem have hearts of gold, and I cherish them.
spotify:track:7DPstSsHrNoFsDqiLmkQmX
spotify:track:6gW6YWXGCqv06u3mvk3L4K
But some people seem have hearts of gold, and I cherish them.
spotify:track:7DPstSsHrNoFsDqiLmkQmX
Thursday, 2 July 2009
What's New For Fall?
"Or whatever you think, I mean, whatever's gonna make you want me"
Feeling lonely this evening. Euphoria can't last that long I suppose. Maybe euphoria is a little strong, who knows. It's just been a good week or two compared to the rest of the last few months.
I think people should come with blurbs, maybe that way I'd have a clue as to how to approach them. Some people are very difficult to read, and some seem too easy. They are both as bad as each other. Hard, you worry and are confused. Too easy, anbd you worry you've got it wrong, and end up fucking things up.
Samuel
(today's link is not for the title track, but for a different song by the same band as the title track isn't on Spotify, the general sound is similar)
spotify:track:5Ue0DgvFjDHGWmQlydQ0C4
Feeling lonely this evening. Euphoria can't last that long I suppose. Maybe euphoria is a little strong, who knows. It's just been a good week or two compared to the rest of the last few months.
I think people should come with blurbs, maybe that way I'd have a clue as to how to approach them. Some people are very difficult to read, and some seem too easy. They are both as bad as each other. Hard, you worry and are confused. Too easy, anbd you worry you've got it wrong, and end up fucking things up.
Samuel
(today's link is not for the title track, but for a different song by the same band as the title track isn't on Spotify, the general sound is similar)
spotify:track:5Ue0DgvFjDHGWmQlydQ0C4
I Can't Do It Alone
3oh!3 have possible the most pissing pretentious band name ever, but the music's pretty good. I am not sure how to feel today, on one hand really pleased, happy and proud, but on the other it just heightens being ashamed and regretful. For once I'm not talking general 'heart' emotions. Aren't you proud?!
But as the title says. I can't do it alone. Luckily I know I won't have to, hopefully anyway. Dentist today, oh yay oh yay.
Will be back, maybe later today, with further insight if I can think of any.
Samuel
spotify:track:0GlvKJi7mrOlRWveOKAPD7
But as the title says. I can't do it alone. Luckily I know I won't have to, hopefully anyway. Dentist today, oh yay oh yay.
Will be back, maybe later today, with further insight if I can think of any.
Samuel
spotify:track:0GlvKJi7mrOlRWveOKAPD7
Am I Missing?
Ah yes, I'd forgotten about this. I wanted to post this earlier.
(It's a long wait) Is there anything
(For an answer) Worth looking for
(Is there any news) Worth loving for
(Is there any word) Worth lying for
(Is there trauma) Is there anything
(Or a struggle) Worth waiting for
(Am I missing) Worth living for
(Was the body found) Worth dying for
The answer to the emboldened right hand sides are a definite yes. As far as the bits in parentheses go... Am I Missing? Or was my body found? Time is yet to tell...
spotify:track:2tVX5Y3uE8zp23mq0pmwmz
(It's a long wait) Is there anything
(For an answer) Worth looking for
(Is there any news) Worth loving for
(Is there any word) Worth lying for
(Is there trauma) Is there anything
(Or a struggle) Worth waiting for
(Am I missing) Worth living for
(Was the body found) Worth dying for
The answer to the emboldened right hand sides are a definite yes. As far as the bits in parentheses go... Am I Missing? Or was my body found? Time is yet to tell...
spotify:track:2tVX5Y3uE8zp23mq0pmwmz
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
A Little's Enough
Just a short little post again today I think. I have spent a little while on here adding links to Spotify for all the title songs I have used on here (that are on Spotify, obviously) so that you can actually see what the songs are like. (I recommend Steady Rollin' the most...). Not really been up to much today...surprise surprise. A bit of reading, a bit of housework, listening to music, watching some One Tree Hill. The most exciting part though is I have managed to do some writing today. And I am gonna do it Lucas Scott (yes the fictional character from One Tree Hill) style, in that I am going to follow my life for the last few years, with an awful lot of dramatisation. See how that turns out eh? Could be fun. Who knows? Nice to go to bed in the (recently) conventional manner this evening.
Samuel
spotify:track:5WJexUNcyN84hXT0VkeJSg
Samuel
spotify:track:5WJexUNcyN84hXT0VkeJSg
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