Fuck All To Do (And All Day to Do It)

I wonder if someone one day will be able to explain what's going on in my head. I hate this fluctuation from happy to sad. It's just constant. I settle on one for an hour or two and flap back to the other straight from there. It wouldn't be such a problem if the lows weren't so extreme but they are. I just want 'an out'. I want to escape everything and fuck everything and forget everything, just for a while. I hate being unable to find work, and I hate having no money and I hate having no one in my life.

Fuck it all with force.

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All I Want For Christmas Is You

Why why WHY are the only interesting women in my life over 100 miles from my door? There is one, I met in June (refer to previous post) who is quite possibly the most beautiful person to have walked the Earth and seems like a really sweet and funny girl, but I have no idea really what she thinks of me + it'd be weird to just say something and I don't get to speak to her often, which I wish I could change.

In other news, I have sent Luisa a birthday/Christmas gift which I really want to tell her about but I don't want to spoil it. Ifg she sees it here she deserves to know. I hope she likes it!

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Crazy

I want to write a post about my head's thoughts, but it's too difficult. Hope, possibilities, reality, almost certain sadness. I don't know. Fuck this with a rake. But then, I don't know. I really do like her, and I would LOVE for there to be something that could happen there. From her reaction, I don't think she's opposed to the idea. But I don't know. It's so hard to read people.

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Four Night Rider

If you have any knowledge about me, whatsoever, you'd know that I would love to get out of this place, out of this town and just plonk myself somewhere totally unknown to me, without having the responsibility of being the 'emotionally stable' member of my family. You'd also realise how fucked up my family must be if I am the emotionally stable one. That said, you'd be surprised at how well I manage to mask myself from everyone. It's rare that I let it slip, and if I do let it slip, it's only ever to people I will never really know from the internet, or firends of friends who will just avoid me in future.

I was thinking how far four nights could get me from here if I just left with my bank card, my car keys and my car. I could get all the way out towards China, that neck of the wood, so long as my driver's license is valid out there. I'd love to do that, jsut abandon everything and get away. But the reality of that is null and void. I am unable to drive until October, I have very little money, and nowhere to go once I got out there. I suppose one can always dream?

Today marks the two year anniversary of my father's death. I can still picture the whole scene of it perfectly, clear as day. He had shoulder pain the whole night before, and went to see the doctor in the morning, who said he was having muscle spasms. He sent me down to the chemists to fetch some deep heat lotion and spray. I got back, opened his bedroom door and he was lying back on the bed, eyes open, jaw slackened. Obviously, it was clear instantly something was wrong, so I tried slapping him, a quick burst of CPR, chest compressions. Everything that sprung to mind. Then I rang for an ambulance, and the man on the phone talked me through a proper course of CPR. For someone showing the condition my father was, 200 chest pumps is standard, apparently. The 12 minutes until the ambulance were the longest of my life, and after they arrived they told me to ring my mother, the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. By this point they hadn't said anything, but their machines that registered pulse etc. kept shouting out 'NO SIGNS OF LIFE', so I had gathered there was nothing to be done.

I wish I could erase that half hour from my memory.

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We Are Nowhere and It's Now.

And by we, I of course mean I. This is supposed to be the most exciting time in my life, surely? Just a couple of weeks out of university, gained a good degree in Mathematics, and should now be embarking into the world of earning proper money and having a godo time meeting new people each and every day. Instead, I cannot find a job, rejections are bad enough, it's the 'We will totally ignore you to let you know you won't get this job' that really annoy me. So right now, I am spending most of my days, where I am not handing out my CV to anything with a pulse, sitting at home doing fuck all.

I have only a few friends, which is normal for me, and not really a problem. The only problematic part of it is most of them are not around now that uni is finished, and of my two best friends, one of them is getting really pretty serious with his girlfriend so I don't see him as much. It's difficult to spend much time with the other guy as well, because unless we get a lift it's a fucking trial to get to one another, so we usually meet in the city.

Oh, and we need to add to everything that I have very little money right now.

And I get hit on by a girl in a club yesterday, she's actually kinda hot, and she is being coy and getting her friend to bring me over an we sort of talk/dance for a little moment, and then she drops the bombshell "Can you pose for a photo with me so I can annoy my boyfriend?"

At that point I thought "Fuck it, I must have been a fucking cunt in my previous life."

This has been a happy update in my life.

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Congregation of the Damned

I hate this. I am consumed with guilt because I fear I have inadvertently led someone on. I mean, she's nice, but she is an internet friend. THAT IS ALL. I can't do any more than that with someone I can't see at least weekly. But I don't know how to say that without hurting her, and I hate upsetting people. I love many people, but all of them platonically. This is why I rarely use the word in conversation, because it's misinterpreted. It just means I care.

God fucking damn it.

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In The Summertime

Okay so I had a proper idea for a story, but of course I couldn't write that. I just rambled crap for a few hundred words about a fictionalised version of myself with my own dissatisfactions and unhappiness.

I hate when that happens. It's like last Summer, the last time I had a proper go at writing anything proper, I got a good 10 - 15 % of the way to a full novel length story, I knew where it was going, what parts to flesh out, everything, it was all aligned in my head.
But instead I got sidetracked with my own emotion. Last Summer, like how I'm feeling now really, I was fucking lonely. I had only split from my girlfriend a few months earlier, some other shit happened, some other girl fucked me over, and another girl, well, too complicated to explain. Let me just say that all my rebounding feeling from my ex went to her straight after. A girl I cared for greatly and, yeah. We don't speak any more. Also, 95% of my friends at the time were my ex's friends, and over that couple of months they gradually stopped talking to me, and even to date, none of them do unless it's for selfish reasons, like to vote for their band to play at some crappy festival, or if they need me for something. On top of that, it was the first Summer since my father had passed. So all in all, I wasn't in a great way, and by the third or fourth day of being in Malta (I had planned to get a lot of writing done here) I had reached breaking point in my head, and I exploded at my mother and sister, just got up from the restaurant table and went back to the hotel, got my journal, a pen, my iPod and went for a walk. 3 hours later I went back to my room, and by then any enthusiasm for the story I was telling had gone and all I was left with was this residual anger and discontentment for my own existence. I wanted to get up and go somewhere. I wanted to leave home, for good. Live somewhere where I didn't know anyone. I would make friends there and have a happy social existence free of all the shit that had fallen onto me in the years before.

And it was only of this I could write. My story ended near the beginning. I haven't gone back to it. I wrote songs about my own unhappiness. I wrote poems about how angry people had made me, and I wrote a thousand words here, and a thousand words there about a version of myself in other universes, where my feelings and thoughts were implanted into different people in different situations. It was a fully depressing task and made me feel worse.

I can feel all these emotions stirring up in me again, and it's scaring me, because I didn't lose them for months afterwards. I don't want them back.

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I Have The Feeling I Have Been Here Before

Emotional involvement with someone a long way away from me. You would've thought I'd've learnt from last time.

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I don’t know what’s going on these days. Months and months of the same thing. Fluctuations from ups to downs and all the way back again. I don’t understand what it is. If I’m going to be sad, can’t I just be permanently sad? Because that way, at least I’d get used to it and maybe stop moaning about it. Instead, I have times where I am good, which just means that the sads hit even more. I don’t know what to do. The best way to describe it is to use a phrase coined in The Shack, ‘The Great Sadness’. It’s always there, looming. Even if it’s not directly clouding over me, it’s always there on the horizon just hanging, saying ‘Wassup?’ Guess I’m just stuck in a downer now, which is why I have been a bit moany these last few days, so sorry about that.

To change topic a bit, I want to discuss who I am a bit. With my best friends (I use this phrase lightly because whilst they are my two best friends, I don’t think they consider me theirs, I mean, they have said it before, but only when VERY drunk, and I am always a little skeptical of trusting drunk people) I am the third wheel as they had been friends for years etc. etc. With my uni friends, I am the ‘joker’, the one that makes a lot of comments about the attractiveness of people, male and female, and the one who’s there as a shoulder when boy trouble hits and the best friend is unavailable. I dunno, something about it irks me a little. I can’t put my finger on it, but I only feel like I am valued by uni friends if I am actively helping them in some way, and my own insecurity stops me feeling appreciated by my guy mates. It’s just a bit sucky.

Anyway, I am going to stop this moaning now. Apologies again.

My Propeller

Happy 2010 to you all.

I haven't been posting here a lot recently, at all. I got a Tumblr a few months ago and that seems to be a good stress outlet. I have decided I am emotionally devoid. I don't have the massive happiness highs an lows I had most of last year. Instead my mood tends to be a bit of a flat line, neither particularly up or down. I have very little interest in many people either. Even my interest in you have been sapped away a little bit. But it might just be hiding ready to jump on my head again. That has happened a few times before. Be assured, next major event in my lfie I will be hear to moan about it =D Fear not.

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