Four Night Rider

If you have any knowledge about me, whatsoever, you'd know that I would love to get out of this place, out of this town and just plonk myself somewhere totally unknown to me, without having the responsibility of being the 'emotionally stable' member of my family. You'd also realise how fucked up my family must be if I am the emotionally stable one. That said, you'd be surprised at how well I manage to mask myself from everyone. It's rare that I let it slip, and if I do let it slip, it's only ever to people I will never really know from the internet, or firends of friends who will just avoid me in future.

I was thinking how far four nights could get me from here if I just left with my bank card, my car keys and my car. I could get all the way out towards China, that neck of the wood, so long as my driver's license is valid out there. I'd love to do that, jsut abandon everything and get away. But the reality of that is null and void. I am unable to drive until October, I have very little money, and nowhere to go once I got out there. I suppose one can always dream?

Today marks the two year anniversary of my father's death. I can still picture the whole scene of it perfectly, clear as day. He had shoulder pain the whole night before, and went to see the doctor in the morning, who said he was having muscle spasms. He sent me down to the chemists to fetch some deep heat lotion and spray. I got back, opened his bedroom door and he was lying back on the bed, eyes open, jaw slackened. Obviously, it was clear instantly something was wrong, so I tried slapping him, a quick burst of CPR, chest compressions. Everything that sprung to mind. Then I rang for an ambulance, and the man on the phone talked me through a proper course of CPR. For someone showing the condition my father was, 200 chest pumps is standard, apparently. The 12 minutes until the ambulance were the longest of my life, and after they arrived they told me to ring my mother, the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. By this point they hadn't said anything, but their machines that registered pulse etc. kept shouting out 'NO SIGNS OF LIFE', so I had gathered there was nothing to be done.

I wish I could erase that half hour from my memory.

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