Wishing Well

The king of carrot flowers seems to have been usurped by another.

Just short things to say today. Quite tired, might try for sleep. Lovely weather, nice evening. Still not right though.

Samuel

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Steady Rollin'

"Well I come from the old time baby
It's too late for you to save me.
If I remain then I'm to blame."

I have learnt it is never too late to be saved, no matter how you feel. Still being here, cannot be blamed on oneself. There is another to always hold you up. And is that blameworthy of them? No, admirable I'd say.

"But if you should ever need me
I'll go where'er you lead me.
It's all the same, the same old game."

We all end up having someone we can dedicate actions to. At any point in life that's almost a guarantee, there is someone who you will follow. I suppose that is what they mean when they say "the same old game". It may be the same game, but we play by different rules now.

Samuel

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That Green Gentleman

Why can I not just change? Just a stupid stupid boy with a stupid stupid head.

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End Of The Background Noise

I don't just want to be the background noise. I fear that is me.

Ender Will Save Us All

Maybe he has?

Stolen

I had a very certain state of mind when I heard the bridge of Stolen last night, about 3 in the morning. I am going to try and say what I thought. IT could be difficult though as my memory is a little hazy.

This song, to me, was the anthem to falling in love. It was one of a few songs I listened to in August 2006 when I knew very well I was falling in love. As such, it has wonderful memories for me. It makes me feel good based on that. It also crippled me knowing that that is over. But it also gave me hope that I could feel like that again, and maybe one advantage in not having the relationship that the love then built is I can experience it all again. A case of cloud/silver lining I think.

Samuel

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Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

If you come down to it, there are two types of people. They are the above. I tried to fit into the first category, but you seem determined to stay in the latter. If that's the way things work then being in the first category will never lead to a pleasant resolution. But hey, it's funny how things can be.

The other title Iwas playing with for tonight was 'Seems Like Home To Me'. Two Gallants that is. Not sure if my general mood was calm enough for country rock. so I settled with Christian metal of UnderOath. the other title came to mind because I am wondering if it could seem like home to me. Where, that's not too important, a place that exists, that i think I can get the keys to. Will it feel like home? Good question.

Monday sees a barrier coming down. But does that make a difference, will I see any great change in my horizon. One thing it has allowed is my forthcoming trip that I am looking forward to. But in reality I am still going to be here most of the time. My network more than slightly dented, I suppose it's fair enough, they were hers before, I just was on the edge, and now I'm out again. And any group meeting can't happen because you aren't even comfortable enough to reply to a fucking text. You wanted a friendship, what am I supposed to do if you don't talk to me? That isn''t a friendship. A promise unkept, a promise worth making? I don't know. There has to be some sort of proverb kicking about there, can't place my finger on one.

Nevermind
Samuel

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The Secret's In The Telling

Is it? This blog isn't entirely secret any more. The person I have told still doesn't know where it is. But I am glad she knows. It's nice to know there are people like her around. Like me I guess. I am literally counting off the days until July 8th now. Just two short blogs today.

Goodnight
Samuel

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A Perfect Sonnet

I miss being in love. Being in love and to being loved back. I miss that.

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Understand The Dream Is Over

First off, RIP Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. I shan't dwell on these, they speak for themselves.

Secondly, a friend of mine has helped me realise, inadvertently, that I am doing no favours clinging onto the past. All that said, I am not about to throw it away and deny its existence. She is doing something very hard in trying to move on in life with a broken heart. And she is feeling slightly better day by day, by not dwelling. So I am going to stop looking at the past, and stop hoping for the future, live day for day, and if good things return, they return. If they don't, I will find a way to cope. To this friend, anonymous as I don't want to name anybody here, thank you, I hope things get better for you, and I look forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. Whilst I am starting to believe this blog title, the album from which it comes "Emotion is Dead", the sophomore from the fantastic band 'The Juliana Theory' who I had the honour of see perform on their last ever UK tour back in 2006, I feel is not true. As far as I am concerned; emotion is well and truly NOT dead.

Finally tonight, Less Than Zero, one of my favourite novels I have read recently. I watched the film adaptation tonight. I thought it was a very good film. Not a very good novel adaptation though. The cast was entirely wrong, except Downey Jr. and the guy who played Rip. They were perfect. Clay was too different from the book, and the focus was shifted. It was on Julians spiralling rather than Clay's emptiness. The book and the film will remain as two seperate entities in my head I feel. As a film I'd give it a solid 74% rating.

Well, I had a lot to say tonight. V is responsible for me not saying much here, she has been a very useful ear. So that's all.
Samuel

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Stray Dog Freedom

That's what I want. It's exactly what I want. I want to be able to just get out and explore. I want to cross middle America, spend time in Australia, backpack through eastern Europe. I want to see the world. And I am going to. Or at least I hope to God I am. The moment I finish university I am going to find a decent paying full time job, doing pretty much anything and stick strongly at that for a year / 18 months or so and then do it. I have family in Australia who I could probably have me for fairly cheap. America has fantastic motels all across the middle. Going that way I could even go up to Canada as well, maybe visit Nova Scotia. The idea of that is heaven to me. I haven't ever been the type to want to do these things. But I know if I don't do it once I would regret it.

Like what I did on March 6th. I did that for fear I would regret not doing it. And to be honest I think I would. I needed the space to work out what I wanted. It's just a shame that what I did on March 6th got rid of the thing I eventually realised I wanted. I suppose we all make mistakes, but that one is going to stay with me for a while I think.

Beyond today's mini revelation I have little to say. Was awake a lot last night again. Ended up watching a lot of One Tree Hill again. Being tired/emotional I became dewy eyed at one episode initially through happy, then through really shocked/sad. How sad indeed.

I assembled a chair (office style) and a desk today as we are re arranging our office room at the minute and have a new PC coming tomorrow, with a monitor that was too wide to fit in the cubby hole on the old desk. So we got a new desk. There's a mattress coming for the fold down bed too. Busy day tomorrow regarding all of that. Beyond the menial home life nothing exciting happening this week until Friday. It's a friends birthday and we're going to see Transformers 2 , which I could be a lot more excited about, but all in all it seems like it could be okay.

Right, I am going now, I'll check in tomorrow I imagine.
Samuel

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What's It Feel Like To Be a Ghost?

Re-recorded my two demo songs today. Still not entirely happy with them. Lyrics need a touch up on one, and my voice needs a serious touch up on the other. And I need to do some VERY basic production work, they need to be a bit cracklier. I can't believe I am complaining that the microphone is too good. I need to lessen the quality to mask my voice really.

I also watched Shutter this morning. Film in the style of The Ring with Joshua Jackson from Fringe. It was okay. Not that great though. I haven't decided what yet, but I plan on watching a film tomorrow morning as well. It's quite nice to be able to just wander through to the living room with the duvet, dogs and a cup of tea and mong out. Still up and dressed and taking on the day by 11:30 in most cases. Win win situation.

As you can probably gather from this title, I am having a Taking Back Sunday music day. The song also relates to the film, Shutter, that I watched earlier. And to everything on top of that. Feel as though I have faded into the background of life recently, but then I guess I have. I haven't exactly been Mr active out and about getting involved in things. There's a party for a friend on Saturday afternoon which I'd love to go to, but don't want to because doing so will make my heart break a bit. I'm sure she'll understand, I'll post up some reason about having to be at work. I can't just go there with the risk of being judged and pushed aside by people, person in particular. This, again, is a problem of mine. I overanalyse what people are likely to think before they even know anything. And so I get scared, and end up never revealing anything or going anywhere. Maybe one day that'll change. Well, it already has to an extent. Being very exciting for me, In 16 days I go to Grimsby and crashing the night in the spare room of someones house I have never been to. Hopefully it'll all go well.

Right, well I am off now. Not sure what to do, either watch One Tree Hill, 90210, Supersizers OR read American Psycho in bed. Whichever of the above is chosen; I am heading to bed.

Goodnight
Samuel

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Let The Distance Keep Us Together

I didn't sleep too well last night, and as such I ended up thinking. And it really did allow me to acknowledge just how bad things have been since August 14th 2008. In that time my father has died, my mother was clearly suffering from depression, me and my girlfriend of just short of 2 and a half years (at the time) have split. If you compare that to any of the previous bad parts of my life, this last 11 or so months comes out as the worst by a long way. So I guess I am in some kind of rut. And I am not entirely sure what to do to pull myself out of it. I tried one way, and that has been pushed back. I am afraid to try another, because there is a tiny bit of string dangling elsewhere that has a much more dangerous ride but will pull me straight out. The other is probably a fairly easy ride, but I'm still going to be somewhere in this well. I am using a well purely metaphorically to represent the rut, I am sure I didn't need to explain that.

It's just hard to know exactly what I am supposed to do here. I always end up thinking of that line from One Tree Hill I moaned about the other day. They say it's easy to walk away from pain. But I have issues with that, you have to have a happy to aim towards. Or what if you are surrounded by shit? Then where do you go? Sometimes it's just too hard to think and work out the path. I need someone to guide me, but for as long as nobody I know has been told about this blog, and about what I feel, then I can't expect anyone to help. It's that again. I want to talk to people about this, and I want to be told it'll be okay. But I was like this when my father died, I don't want to tell people because they will think I am looking for pity, or that my self-absorption is too much. Afraid to pull people close in case we're both norths or something.

Anyway, I had better go, I am supposed to be backing up the computer in the other room as the new one is arriving on Wednesday. there has been no tiler or Argos man yet.... Nevermind

Samuel

A New Friend / Daddy's Gone

And so, June 21st. Summer solstice, the most hours of daylight of the year. Also my elder brother's 40th birthday. Also Father's Day. Takes the piss a bit really, the first father's day of my life that I have to live without a father is the longest of the year. One of those karma kicks in the balls isn't it. It struck me today as well that he'll have been dead for a whole year in less than 8 weeks. How on earth can that have happened? August 14th last year, and it's now the latter half of June. I don't understand how that time has slipped by. So yes, I miss you Dad, and I hope you had a good father's day.

In different news (to relate to title A, a melancholy track by The Good Life to close their Album of the Year album, bar the reflective Two Years This Month) I have just booked a return train ticket to Grimsby to visit someone. I am really looking forward to that. It'll be one hell of an adventure. I have never done anything of that sort before. Really looking forward to it. Lots of time on the train too, so I will ensure the iPod is fully charged and I have plenty to read! I'll have to practice sleeping without the television on though. Not too bad pricewise either.

It was the summer ball for my uni yesterday. I didn't go. Someone I know did. It looks like she had fun. Though she hasn't told me. My little, frail olive branch I extended on Friday is still hanging precariously in the air...

I am quite tired, I usually have a little sleep on a Sunday afternoon, but I haven't today, I was just about too, but then a bacon sandwich arrived in my room, and after that I was awake properly again. The Grand Prix was pretty good, Vettel was dominant. Shame about the other Sebastiens though, I keep my eye out for them. Had fun with my sister as well, I think we both needed to keep each other distracted. One of the hardest days to get through unscathed since what would have been his 65th birthday earlier this year. At least then I had someone to lean on. I somehow managed to kick my own crutch out from beneath me on that one. I think I am going to sit up for a little while and listen to The Good Life's album, and maybe play a little bit of Pure on the Playstation3, then head to bed. Have to be up tomorrow, we are getting a delivery from Argos and the tiler from the bathroom is coming back because he skimped a bit, and mum wasn't impressed. Before I get too carried away with speaking about the trivial parts of life, I am going to say goodnight to you.

So, goodnight.
Samuel

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Saturday As Usual

I am thinking of doing a One Tree Hill style thing and writing all my blogs under an appropriate song title title. Yes I did mean to repeat title, I am sure I could have got around it but let us move past this grammatical faux-pas. This initiative starts today with 'Saturday As Usual' one of the better Bright Eyes songs from early days, even if his voice does become...a little strained towards the end. Picked because today is a very typical Saturday, or at least I imagine it will gbe. Got up a little bit late for work, but still managed to get there for 7:20am which isn't too shabby.

*INSERT 45 MINUTE BREAK IN BLOG*

Sorry, had to re-fit a shelf that fell off the wall in the sisters room. And have had a cup of tea in that time too. Just eating the remains of the chips from last nights Pizza takeaway from the microwave. Yum. Yes so that changed Saturdays ever so slightly. But I am going to just do my usual internet site checks etc etc for a little while with some music in the background (currently All The Ones by The Northwestern). Then I will go for a lie down and watch the Qualifying from this morning, recorded using PlayTV. Hopefully going to go to London with a couple of the guys from work in the next couple of weeks or so. Should be goooood. I have also set a provisional date of Wednesday 1st July for my first great potato excavation, to see if anything has actually grown. The runner beans have shot up something fantastic, one of the plants is to the top of the pyramid concocted as support in just 3 weeks. I also think I have got the first signs of a poblano chilli pepper growing too. It's all getting quite exciting. I just hope my spring onions are a success. They are the easiest to just pick/wash and eat.

I need to invent some extra storage for music in this bedroom. I am left now with 10 spaces for more CD's. In the last week I have bought 8. So that tells you how long the space will last.... I also want a good, big, music and art hybrid canvas of some sort to go above my bed. I want it to be serene, with no real picture as such, just a general image of a feeling, with one main lyric across it, and some smaller lines of lyrics written across it as well. Lyrics will likely be a mixture from Rural Alberta Advantage, Two Gallants, and Bright Eyes. But who knows. A nice big white and red one with some Hope of the States quotes could work well too. I'll think about it in more detail.

Anyway, I am going to finish getting changed from work, get another drink (either a cup of tea, a can of the caffeine free diet coke, or maybe a big ol' bottle of orange and mango smoothie), then settle down and watch some Silverstone action. I will probably be on here later tonight, I find the action of writing the blogs most calming, and it definitely gives me something to do, and think about.

Ta-ra
Samuel

Ouch

And then pop goes the contentedness. Feels like someone has grabbed my heart and is squeezing it with a gentle touch of nail being dug in occassionally. That said, it's all in my head anyway. Partly. My contact complied entirely with what was outlined, I thought. I obviously need a little more direction to advise how I am meant to act for this to happen. I am sorry if I did it wrong x

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RE:Done

Having posted I now see that 'not a lot to say' means 'I am about to post my longest blog yet'. Haha.

Done

Not a lot for me to say today. Again, been fairly busy. Finished my course, which is all good news. It was informative. I bought Taking Back Sunday's first and second albums from HMV today, along with One Tree Hill season 5. Hence I earned 3500 points on their new 'PURE' card... they don't really explain what it does, you accrue points (1 per penny) and I assume thereby that somewhere along the line you qualify for money off. How much money per point it doesn't say. Or at least it didn't until I got bored reading the T&C's.

It's yet another lovely day at work to get excited about tomorrow. Oh yay oh yay. But then I get the watch the British GP this weekend too. On TV of course. F1 of course is falling apart, very dull. Just give them all a kick up the arse and sort it out. Easily said I suppose.

Also, I finished reading The Dice Man today...it's good, but far too long for what it does. Most of it becomes irrelevant for the last 200 pages or so bar the final 20. The important plot directions in those last 200 points are also glossed over, and the waffle is overly focused upon. I doubt I will read the sequel, for a while at least.

I suppose I ought to have better things to do of a Friday evening as a 20 year old student, but I clearly do not. I will watch Big Brother in 25 minutes, then watch new Dexter having caught up yesterday, then head to bed and watch yesterdays Daily Show, and today's if I am still awake (as I fell asleep during yesterdays). I think that is why I have been slightly more buoyant these last two days, I haven't been awake late into the night/early into the morning, so I haven't had time to just wallow and dwell on my twaticisms and feel self-pitying. That said the other night (Wednesday I think) I woke up following a wonderful dream where I was deeply in love and happy with some girl called Malena. We lived in some rural area and were at a barndance if that makes any difference. I woke up longing for the feeling of reciprocated love, and was disappointed that it wasn't there. Of course Malena doesn't exist, and in fact wasn't the sort of person I would typically find myself attracted to physically, slight, fairly short with long blonde hair. But I suppose that is by-the-by. Dreams are welcome though, since my father died I have found myself either not dreaming, or not remembering my dreams, so to dream is a definite relief. Sign that there can be hope in life.

Anyway, enough of my 'not a lot to say' rambling. I am going to enjoy a cup of tea, a quick peruse of the internet, and then join my mother in the living room to watch Big Brother.

I shall be back tomorrow most likely, as long as my afternoon nap doesn't last 3 and a half hours like it did last Sunday. Whooops.

Samuel

Thursday - The Day?

Thursdays tend to be the day of the week I enjoy the least, usually very tired and grotty by Thursday, and I have the impending work of the weekend hanging over me. But, today has gone against the grain. I have had a reasonably good day, I am in good spirits, and I have not suffered the dreadful dullness I often get day to day. The film, as I have said, was very violent. It was pretty good, I mean, by no means ex ellent, but perfectly watchable. A solid 65% rating I'd say. I have listened to some music since I got back, had some dinner, watched an episode of One Tree Hill, had a shower, a shave, watched the Mentalist, and am watching BB at the minute, about to switch to Dexter. Did a very tiny bit of ironing, Mum did most of it, and didn't leaave me many easy bits.

Plan for the rest of the day is to watch Dexter, then go to bed, and get up bright and early to get on the bus to go and see Neil and listen to him speak for 7 hours. That will clear a good 6 months away from the traumas, which is a good thing. I will therefore probably be alright tomorrow as well, be kept busy etc. I think that is a big part of my problem, I have very little to keep me busy. And unfortunately, I don't really have anyone to keep me busy either. The one I would like to isn't particularly interested at the moment, but that's induced entirely by my own fault. I am going to try and extend my friendship with others as well, really make an effort. Anyway I digress.

Dexter has started, I shall be gone now.
I shall be back another day.

Samuel

Last House on the Left

INCREDIBLY violent film.

Morning

Good morning. Feeling a bit brighter this morning as I know I have the prospect of the cinema ahead of me, which is good. However, I need to stop dreaming at night. And I need to contradict a line that PSawyer said on One Tree Hill. Yes, I know, scripted show, la la la etc etc. But usually they are okay at summing things up. So firstly...

1) Had a dream that I thoroughly enjoyed last night, and that's just the problem. If I have a dream where things are going well and I am happy etc etc, I wake up more empty than usual in the knowledge that those things aren't real, and there is no practical way for them to be real, at least in this point in time. Now...

2) Peyton yesterday, to Jake, said "You can walk away from pain." or something along those lines. Now, I am not going to say this is wrong, but you are still going to hurt etc no matter how far you walk away from pain, UNLESS you are walking towards something better. And there isn't always somewhere better to walk towards. Sometimes that's all people are looking for, a way to go.

Anyway, that's enough of a pre-rant today. I might be back later after I've been out etc, as I won't be late. Let's just hope I have a good time eh? Stop my moaning for a bit.

Pet Shop Boys:Pop Art arrived today, and I bought the new single by The Northwestern off of iTunes as I got bored of waiting for the vinyl to arrive through the post. I am trying to post a direct link to it on Facebook, but MySpace isn't working right, and that is where I found the link. Nevermind. I am off to get dressed and things.

Talk later
Samuel

Welcome

This is my first blog on this site. As you probably can already see. I have no idea how often I will post here, and have very little knowledge of the subject matter that I will write about. All I know is it will most likely make me seem like I am moaning, or just yelling random song lyrics through the page. But what, in fact, it'll be is me letting out things I need to say. A thought transcribed into here should hopefully be one less thought in the way of me getting on with things, and that's something I need to do. Hanging about, jsut waiting, it's things like that that make my day to day life empty. Not miserable particularly, jsut empty. I am livin g day to day looking at the tiny crck of light trying to fight its way in. I can see it, and it's here, but it's not bright enough to light things up.

I didn't realise exactly that the things I do from day to day are pretty much irrelevant until today, when someone asked 'How was your day?'. The only thing I could say was, "It was just another day". How pitiful is that? Days used to mean something, I used to be able to look back at the day and say that I had a good day, or I had a bad day. This great thing happened, or this crappy thing happened. Now it's pretty much a case of looking back at days and thinking, "What did I do?" I just have time drifitng past now. And with every second I am just existing. There is no Carpe Diem, or however it's spelt, going on. There's loads of things I'd love to do, to getting round to doing etc. But for half of them it's a case of "What's the point?" and for the others it's a case of "What if?".

There's one particular person who I don't know if they'll ever read this as I am not publicising the site. I am not making it private, and I have signed with my name, so if they wanted to find it, they would. I think it's impossible for me to describe exactly what that person does to me, and how much I want to take back the time so it was meaningful again. But for as long as time travel doesn't exist I am filled with regret, and I ache. Or I did. I don't ache anymore as I've said. I just have this emptiness.

I think that's about as much of my self-absorbtion and self-pity that even I can take for now. So congratulations if you made it this far. I am going out for my first activity with a friend since last Wednesday tomorrow, so that should perk me up for a bit.

Talk Soon,
Samuel