I don’t know what’s going on these days. Months and months of the same thing. Fluctuations from ups to downs and all the way back again. I don’t understand what it is. If I’m going to be sad, can’t I just be permanently sad? Because that way, at least I’d get used to it and maybe stop moaning about it. Instead, I have times where I am good, which just means that the sads hit even more. I don’t know what to do. The best way to describe it is to use a phrase coined in The Shack, ‘The Great Sadness’. It’s always there, looming. Even if it’s not directly clouding over me, it’s always there on the horizon just hanging, saying ‘Wassup?’ Guess I’m just stuck in a downer now, which is why I have been a bit moany these last few days, so sorry about that.

To change topic a bit, I want to discuss who I am a bit. With my best friends (I use this phrase lightly because whilst they are my two best friends, I don’t think they consider me theirs, I mean, they have said it before, but only when VERY drunk, and I am always a little skeptical of trusting drunk people) I am the third wheel as they had been friends for years etc. etc. With my uni friends, I am the ‘joker’, the one that makes a lot of comments about the attractiveness of people, male and female, and the one who’s there as a shoulder when boy trouble hits and the best friend is unavailable. I dunno, something about it irks me a little. I can’t put my finger on it, but I only feel like I am valued by uni friends if I am actively helping them in some way, and my own insecurity stops me feeling appreciated by my guy mates. It’s just a bit sucky.

Anyway, I am going to stop this moaning now. Apologies again.