Reason to Believe

I seem to be foolhardy in nature. I was looking back today at every moment I have had since my split with my first girlfriend. So that's 5 years ago this October. All romantic negotiations I have had since then, I have always let my heart overtake my head, and admittedly, it paid off once. I found someone else similarly compelled, and that allowed me to fall in love for the first, and so far, only time. However, there have been numerous instances where a twinkle of 'romance' (not the word I want to use but can't think of anything better, mutual attraction just sounded shit) and I have fallen for it, hook, line and sinker, just to have it pulled away as sharply as it arrived.

One led to the end of my last relationship, and I love and hate you in equal measure for that. Here I shall call you 'R' and only you and my ex-girlfriend know who you are, but neither of you will ever read this. You must have known I had always had a soft spot for you, and that day was magical, and you know, I really do think that something good could have happened with us. It wasn't that possibility that caused me to leave the woman I loved, it was that I had WANTED a possibility like that. It would have been unfair to live on in a relationship that had got to the point of not being enough for me. I will always remember Gran Torino at the Odeon, after a day in Cromer, March 4th 2009, and your room-mates, (well all but the one with the curly hair, he didn't like me), with the utmost fondness. I really did have a spark in me then that I hadn't felt in a while.

As goes more recent ventures, I can't explain how sorry I am. I obviously overstepped a mark, I didn't know my place, and I really do mean it when I say there are no hard feelings! I'm a big boy and get on okay. But you are still avoiding me, and I don't like that. In fact, that last line applies equally to 'R'. I wish you hadn't flown away from my radar, we were friends for years, how can that go away so fast?

I have no way of really resolving this, so I shall just leave you with some Dashboard confessional quotes that have stuck out as I listened to them today.

(And Em, 'Stolen' will ALWAYS remind me of falling in love with you, as 'Starcrossed' (Ash) will always remind me of you 'M')

In all honesty, I may have only had 2 serious relationships, but I genuinely think they will stay with me forever. Hopefully Em, in time you can forgive me for, in your words, 'breaking your heart'. I really wish you felt you could even be an acquaintance to me. But I know these things take time, and 'M', I am glad that you are back in my life again, you were a dear friend all those years ago, and our relationship was temperamental to say the least... but by far my fondest memories from being under 17.

I just hate that Peyton Sawyer (yes that fictional character again) wasn't right when she said "People Always Leave", but God knows she was.

"I have reason to believe that I have victories to taste. I can feel them on my teeth, on my lips, and in my chest. I can roll them on my tongue, they are more supple than defeat. I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fuelled by my resolve to breathe."

Are you strong enough to handle what I need?
And will you carry me there one more time?

No?

At least I have a positive outlook, non?

"Because you will be somebody's girl, and you will keep each other warm. But tonight, I'm feeling cold."

And as I resolve to maybe start thinking before feeling 'next time', I know it's bollocks, I set myself up for this everytime. That won't change. I just need someone who does the same.

spotify:track:2eS5qHLmmXugA1GMq41O42 (Reason to Believe)
spotify:track:6vw1gO0bQyVciHW6YRgRvz (Stolen)
spotify:track:2IY1CxvcUhXiZB34tW1EIC (Starcrossed)
spotify:track:6MvK0nSUy0NH8QfaXQjDA0 (Rooftops and Invitations)